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iranian

Reflections on Iran: A Letter and A Conversation

October 24, 2011 by Farnoosh Brock

Letter_Farsi_IranAmerica

When I was 7 years old, I wrote a letter and mailed it to America to a cousin that I adored who was now living in a country that I only dreamt about.

What I would give to enter the world of the 7-year old me writing this letter from Iran during the worst revolution of my country’s history? What I would experience if I could behold her composing these simple Farsi words in an elementary style Persian handwriting? What I would say if I could only engage in one conversation with her? [Read more…] about Reflections on Iran: A Letter and A Conversation

Filed Under: For the Heart Tagged With: childhood, family, friendship, gratitude, iran, iranian, life, persian

Funeral Etiquette: What to Do and What Not to Do

July 1, 2011 by Farnoosh Brock

This week was disrupted by some very sad news. My husband’s grandmother departed this world in her deep sleep. She was slightly short of her 90th birthday.

serenity-soul

My impressions of the short time that I knew her: She was an incredible woman.

She was wise beyond her years and ever pleasant. She never complained about a single ache or pain in her body — not sure I can say that about the rest of my family, whom I dearly adore including my own grandmother in Iran!

She was funny and always made me laugh. She did not meddle in other people’s lives. She looked beautiful at our wedding. She loved her grandson and the rest of her family to pieces and she even respected my choice on not having offspring. She was happy and fulfilled.

The world felt right to her and she was also ready to embrace death. She had strong beliefs around heaven and rejoining her early-departed granddaughter. She will always remain in my heart.

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American funerals are very different from Iranian funerals. Oddly enough, I have never been to an Iranian funeral and yes, here I am making claims about them but listen, stories in an Iranian family get repeated no less than three thousand times so I might as well have been at my own grandfather’s funeral in Iran.

The encounter with grief is overwhelming and the grieving period is long, stretching into weeks and months. The Iranian customs vary a great deal from a Christian ones. For instance, there is no viewing of the dead in the Muslim tradition. The body is washed with soap and water and then wrapped in a very long white cloth called ka-fan (thanks for details, Daddy) before burial, sans coffin.

Black is the color to show that you are grieving. The spouse of the deceased generally wears black for a very long time. My grandmother wore black for a year after the death of my grandfather.

The family of the deceased must provide tons of food to the visitors because this act of giving so much will be a bonus where angels are concerned in the spirit of the deceased. Or so I remember.

Oh and I don’t think Iranians handle death well at all. I surely don’t.

During the funeral services, I noticed behaviors in others that simply did not sit well with me. Whatever has happened to basic etiquette in this world? It is one thing to lack manners in a yoga class, but to come to a funeral and leave your manners at home? I must speak up.

Funeral Etiquette: What to do and not to do at any funeral

Funeral Etiqutte on What to Do:

1. Go. Attend the funeral in person. Miss weddings and baby showers if you must but attend the funerals. People never forget that you attended a funeral and you will bring them comfort and care even if you stay a little while.

2. Wear strictly black and please wear a suit and tie if you are male. It is the universal color of grieving and it shows that you have respect and partake in the grief. Please refrain from wearing flowers and colorful “designs” on your clothing, thank you! My friend Tia suggests otherwise but I say grieving before celebration.

3. Express your sincere condolences directly to the immediate family. Do this even if it pains you. Muster up the courage to tell them that you share in their sorrow. It goes a very long way, this simple act of kindness and compassion.

4. Share a story or a memory with the close family. You will be adding to their treasure “box” of memories.

5. Be on your best behavior. Take along your best manners of greeting and conversing.

6. Contribute to the charity or foundation of their wishes or else take flowers. The amount does not matter. It matters that you do not show up empty-handed.

7. Follow the wishes and traditions of the family. I am not religious but for weddings and funerals of those that I care about, I would gladly spend any necessary time in their house of worship.

8. Perform any favors that is asked of you, be it to sing, to read a poem, to fulfill any other action to fulfill their wishes.

Funeral Etiqutte on What Not to Do:

1. Wear flip-flops. Even if you are 7-months pregnant. I do not know what that woman was thinking but it is no excuse whatsoever. Put on real shoes.

2. Stand there like a statue. Have courage to express your condolences, make eye contact with the close family, and show them that you care with so little as a few words and a gentle touch.

3. Laugh unnecessarily loud or God forbid, tell jokes.

4. Gossip. If you must, save it for after the service.

5. Draw attention to yourself. Change the conversation if you must, especially when you don’t want the attention.

6. Say much if you have nothing useful to say. Words, once outside the mouth, cannot be taken back.

7. Discuss your body aches and pains and malfunctions in any gory detail whatsoever. What is this anyway, some sort of sick display of sympathy? I do not want to know about your kidneys, your daughter’s problems with labor, the details of your last operation or how much your back hurts and neither does anyone else. Not here at the funeral. Not now (preferably not later either!). Keep the conversation strictly out of you and your family’s body parts and focus it instead on the dearly departed.

8. Bring up sensitive issues that are none of your business and would rather not be thought about and especially around the immediate family of the deceased. Boy did I hold my tongue for the surprisingly closed-minded and nosy woman who further upset my mother-in-law by asking her why she did not yet have any grandchildren. Her sheer ignorance aside, her manners were unforgivably rude in my view and if I shall have the displeasure of seeing her again, I will express my uncensored thoughts as to how grandchildren do not signify any sort of achievement, shocking as it may sound. So please exercise some discretion and common sense.

Grief is a deeply personal feeling. There is no right or wrong way to express it. You need to go through your own process and make your own peace with the deck of cards that God or universe or the powers beyond our comprehension have dealt you.

One of the most effective ways is to let yourself grieve and do so without rushing the process. Grief takes its time. But please do take care of yourself because it can draining. Please have at least one person that keeps an eye on you and supports you, while you still observe your privacy.

I do believe meditation and positive affirmations help you tremendously with the grieving process. I recommend these guided affirmation tracks to help you through the mental stress and resistance to healing and so much more. Heal with going inward and allowing the process of life to take its time as you learn to accept the painful truth and come to terms with the new way of living after a loss.

love-give-receive

However, our manners and our show of respect should not take leave when we most need it and the funeral is one such place. May you never need to attend one but if you do, you won’t regret following these guidelines.

Filed Under: Among Others Tagged With: courage, etiquette, family, iranian, memories, respect, services, tradition, tribute

The Path to Fulfillment: To Have or Not to Have Children

November 30, 2010 by Farnoosh Brock

The Utter Lack of Desire to Have Children

In my life, I have wished for a million things, I have dreamt a thousand dreams; I have pursued hundreds of passions and goals and yet, never for a serious minute in all of my fantastic 30 plus years have I wished to have a child.

Children in Singapore

That’s me. I must be strange. I must be seriously out of the ordinary. I must be an aberration to the norm.

Yet, I am perfectly normal.

I am awfully feminine. I love all things girlish. I love traditions. I am crazy about my husband. I have a great relationship with my family. I had a happy childhood. I have cried at every single movie to ever involve a child and parent tragedy. I adore little baby animals. I like most children and I fall in love with a few. I have all the usual desires and needs of a woman — except the desire to mother a child. [Read more…] about The Path to Fulfillment: To Have or Not to Have Children

Filed Under: For the Soul Tagged With: change, culture, decision, family, fear, iran, iranian, life, mother nature, purpose, tradition

The Power of Traditions, Iranian Culture and Stories from a Cup

July 8, 2010 by Farnoosh Brock

If you ever leave your home country for another, you will no doubt gain a world of experience and adventure but you will still have to make some sacrifices, no matter who you are and whence you come. Let giving up your traditions not be one of those sacrifices!

Japanese coffee cup

Ah traditions! It may be the one thing of which Iranians have no shortage.

There is a tradition surrounding nearly every act and way of performing the ordinary stuff in life. There is a tradition on how to handle a compliment so as not to be jinxed yet remain polite and gracious in the process.

There is a tradition on how to accept food offered to you as a guest by resisting it the first 3 times you are offered, only to politely accept on the 4th occasion. There are no less than 200 traditions [Read more…] about The Power of Traditions, Iranian Culture and Stories from a Cup

Filed Under: Among Others Tagged With: culture, iran, iranian, persian, tradition

Understanding the Invincible Bond of Childhood Friendships

April 16, 2010 by Farnoosh Brock

Searching the Ripples of my Mind for Childhood Memories

“Do you remember the time in school when…”

Childhood Friendship Bond

The place is Razi Elementary School in Iran. The time is in the early 1980s. The question is posed by a long lost childhood friend who found me by sheer accident on an otherwise ordinary Monday and has since turned my life inside out with indescribable joy and bliss. To my own disappointment, I did not have a clear memory of her and was sure she has the wrong person. Assured by the facts, she came back exploding with joy and stories and no sooner had I read the names of our mutual friends, names dearest to my heart, that tears were streaming down my cheeks. What unexpected happiness to find yourself instantly richer when the dearest childhood friendships resurface after 26 years of separation? [Read more…] about Understanding the Invincible Bond of Childhood Friendships

Filed Under: For the Soul Tagged With: childhood, facebook, friendship, iran, iranian, life, memoir, rich living, self-discovery

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