Smart habits are the cornerstone of a successful and satisfying life. Smart habits make for rich living. Seeing how that is my tagline , I was thinking it might be a good idea to tackle the topic. I tackle it indirectly in every blog post but today, I want to take it to the next level.
Let’s talk habits, yours and mine.
Does this sound familiar?
Tell me if this below sounds familiar. (This is a rhetorical question so please say yes so that the rest of the post goes as smoothly as I planned!)
Your intentions are great. You want to build smart habits in your life. In fact, most of the time, you do a pretty darn good job. You start something with a fabulous intention. You feel good. You continue the cycle. You feel even better. You can almost say that it is a part of your life and that it has even become second nature. Then inevitably, as though it was planned because it’s usually right after those brilliant affirmations, you find yourself completely off the charts, nowhere to be found in the proximity of your beloved habit. Your smart habit, the one which you were so proudly describing to your best friend only yesterday, has left your entire system, leaving behind only a dim memory.
What happens next is the saddest part of this affair: You stay in this funk and every day, you get further and further from the amazing habit you were cultivating. Instead of rushing back to embrace your habit again, you stay in this limbo state, feeling this wall of resistance in front of you and this massive hesitation from getting back into it. You might tiptoe around your habit a bit, and even try it again for a few days but it seems to take tremendous effort to get back into that cycle once you have fallen out of it. It almost takes more energy and effort to get back into the habit after you have fallen out of it than it took to start it for the first time.
By the way, if this has never happened to you and all your smart habits have taken off the first time you established them in your life, I want to interview you right now!
So why does this cycle happen? How can we get out of it? How can we stay in the center of that smart-habits zone and not fall off the wagon so many times? Because, really, how many beatings can our self-confidence take? How many times do we have to look in the mirror and tell ourselves “Oh please, I told you it is perfectly normal to fall out of the habit so would you just cooperate and get back into it”?
Finding Root Causes and Crushing Excuses
The problem is not so much that you fell out of it. If you didn’t, you are not human – and whoever you name in a clever response is most likely not human either. Chris Brogan, for instance, surely is an alien from outer space and a great one. I love the guy, I really do but he is an off-the-charts level of a devotional blogger and his passion is beyond measure. I aspire to be Brogan-like but that is one insanely tough habit to sustain.
Right, so as I was saying the problem, I am convinced, is that we do not understand the reason why we fall out of the habit. And what we do not understand, we tend to repeat.
What good is the knowledge (of something that is good for you) without the action (of doing that which is so good for you)?
I have fallen out of more habits than you have; that is a sure bet as any. The first time I fall out of my so-called smart brilliant habits, I try to be kind and forgiving to myself but by the second and third time, I am less patient and more aggressive. Why am I acting so irrational, I wonder, and why is it so hard to find that zone again?
Have you identified the root causes as to why you fall out of your cycles?
Every time I have clearly identified the root cause – been waiting to use this word outside of the mathematical realms – of my failure, and then promptly set out to do something about it, I have slipped back into my habit as though it was made for me, much like a worn comfortable set of PJs. And I’ve stayed committed much longer.
Story of A Habit Reclaimed
Example (cause proof matters):
Take my vegan journey (affiliate). I first tried it exactly a year ago. I was determined to do it but I was terrified of what I was giving up. I was so conscious of what I was giving up that I hardly noticed how much I gained (not in weight of course)! My first attempt lasted some 20 odd days before I ran back to my comfort foods, embracing my yogurt like my long lost friend, and declaring myself the healthiest non-vegan alive.
The root causes:
In the not-so-fun process of figuring out precisely why I fell out of my vegan eating habit (affiliate), I naturally realized that yogurt was not a necessity to my happiness after all but here are more excuses I had to crush:
1. Fear – I was terrified of giving up certain foods, just as I was terrified of giving up cooked foods in this raw vegan challenge. Fear changes your entire mindset and rationality hasn’t a chance against it.
2. Association – I associated food with social life, fond memories and bonding. Giving up sushi with my husband was more than giving up raw fish and wasabi. It was giving up an experience and my direct link to that experience was food.
Fresh new attempt to win the races:
On New Year’s Day 2011, I started my second attempt at going vegan and nearly 8 months later, it has become a part of who I am and how I eat. I survive and thrive every day but only because I was able to pinpoint my hesitation and resistance to this habit and to then find ways to overcome it all.
The fear was unsubstantiated. I did not miss yogurt much at all and I did not find it impossible to politely turn down a favorite dish in favor of another. I did not feel deprived because that was a deal-breaker. If a habit makes you feel deprived of something else in your life, it is time to examine things.
As for the association? It was nonsense. I have been enjoying a lovely social life and I hardly need to even mention my diet. Plus, vegan sushi is delicious! Most importantly, bonding can occur over any plate, regardless of contents.
The Bottom line is …
… that you need to identify the real root cause of why you fall out of your cycle and why you stop your habit. The easiest way to do this is to simply ask yourself. The trick, my darlings, is in the how of asking.
Have a conversation with yourself. Invite fear, self-doubt, resistance, and any other emotions to join the conversation, if you like. Just ask yourself over and over and over again until the right answer shows up from right under your nose, where it has comfortably been waiting for you. Ask in as many words and phrase as you can find:
Why did I stop doing that?
No really, why?
Is that really why?
Seriously, what made me give that up?
What changed?
What happened inside me?
Why did resistance show up?
Why and tell me the truth or I will keep badgering you with why!
You may find the whole exercise ludicrous. That is fine but do it anyway. Do it in a way that you mean it and find out the real reasons that make you slip out of your habits. Then go to work on them and find your way back to your happy zone.
If you liked what you read here, please share it on your favorite social media platform using any of the buttons below or above the post. And please don’t leave without saying a few words in the comments.
Are you feeling stuck in business or life?
If you like what you see here, and want to know how to do the same for yourself, be it creating your business or blog as well as building up your confidence, then book your free 20-minute consult with me and learn my systems & tools: coaching page.
{ 40 brilliant comments, Care to add another? }
This is an amazing idea. When we want to restart a habit, we should find the root cause of why we stopped it. Habits are layers of repetitive actions. If you can find out what kept humming your mind when you created or stopped the habit, you can come over them…
Hi Jaky, nice to see you here so often lately. An I like your definition of habit: Layers of repetitive actions. Indeed. Thanks for stopping by!
I agree. “Why?” is one of the most important questions we can ask, and we have to go beyond the surface for answers. In establishing habits, I also find it helpful to make a list of the reasons why I want or need to establish that habit. Actually writing it down has helped me in many circumstances.
Hello dear Candice, so nice to see you. Yes, absolutely! Understanding why we are going into the habit in the first place makes a huge difference in how long we stick to it. Thanks for adding that!
“WHY” is the foundation for my self development in life and business. I am actually re writing my “Why” as we speak, and it is time consuming , you have to dig deep, but your true self and the life you want will happen one you have a “WHY.” I have seen it happen for others. It is not about money but about your heart and what is deep within.
Wonderful post, Farnoosh!
It is truly amazing how much we intuitively know. But it is almost equally amazing how much of what we know gets pushed way down inside and covered by layer after layer of self-doubt and internal noise.
Questions, asked correctly, with the right attitude, will produce some amazing self-discoveries and will lead to solutions to the hurtles we so often place on our own paths.
Thanks for the reminder of an important part of our personal growth. Habits can be hard to shake and hard to create. But learning to question why we fall short of breaking or establishing those habits is a powereful tool for personal success, however you choose to define it.
Hi Ken, it’s truly frustrating too
! We know so much and yet we do not act on it as much as we should. That’s why those conversations can be very useful and helpful. Thank you for stopping by and adding to this conversation. Habits *are* hard to shake & create. That not only rhymes but is definitely true to boot.
This post is a great resource to reference when one feels weak and close to breaking a habit that is truly benefiting your personal growth. I’m glad I’m not the only one that experiences the “temptations” to break the cycle. However, I am feeling more powerful in my “take action” attitude in my personal and professional life. I find a constant pattern of activities is key for me, surrounding myself with like minded people and working on personal development daily.
Hi Gail, reference it as often as you like. Heck, I should come back here and read all my comments when I am close to giving up and you are totally not the only one, as you can clearly see from this blog and the comments. And I love your 3 tips at the end, especially surrounding yourself with like minded people. Thank you so much for sharing!!!
Hi Farnoosh!
Boy, the hardest habit I was successful in giving up was cigarette smoking. Back in 1972 my father was diagnosed with cancer. The two of us, along with my brother made a commitment to stop smoking. Yes, what we associated around cigarettes in our daily lives had to be adjusted, plus the withdrawl from nicotine was hard to deal with. We all suceeded, but my dad only lived about one more year.
Back when I was a competitive runner my diet was close to vegetarian. This changed when I married a lady from Ireland, and began to enjoy Irish Stew, Sheperd’s Pie, etc. I have kept meat in my diet as I am a regular blood doner, even though I am now single. When I donate blood (double red blood cell procedure) about four hours later I am wasted! I would like to change the habit of eating red meat, especially since my cholesterol can be boader line at times…readings provided by the blood bank.
You mentiond “20 days” about your initial attempt to go vegan. Well I tried Lisa’s 20 day water drinking challenge recently…did not fare so well in the later stages. Perhaps if I try to re-new the determination that I had back in the 1970′s, and also educate myself with what can be used instead of meat to give me a boost of iron, and protein, plus some good recipe. I will be more successful in creating this healthy positive habit…
Thanks for admittng to your own short-commings Farnoosh…I am respectful of your honesty.
Take care,
Rand
Hi Rand, I so enjoyed reading your personal bouts with habits and so many of them you have had. My dad used to smoke a long time ago and my father-in-law still does, with no intention of quitting. I think giving up smoking is one of the hardest habits, from what I hear, as I have never ever touched a cigarette. So on all those accounts, please be proud of yourself.
!
As for meat and protein, there is a huge belief that meat continues to be our main source of protein but I really think legumes and nuts can give you just as much, and that is part of the reason why this raw vegan diet is so challenging for me and I am definitely not doing it for the long term. The healthy vegan diet is the best for me but I didn’t like the vegetarian diet because dairy was not a friend to me after all. Thank you again and trust me, I have no shortage of short comings
Thank you for linking to my affirmations post
“If a habit makes you feel deprived of something else in your life, it is time to examine things.”
You stopped me right in my tracks with this one.
I’ve often felt deprived when giving up a much loved item such as sugar, coffee and red wine.
“You need to identify the real root cause of why you fall out of your cycle and why you stop your habit.” That is powerful advice. If we just start & stop and stay in that ‘failing’ cycle without really being in touch with what’s going on in our minds and our perceptions we’re bound to fail at making real change.
Wow, this really hit home with me. Thanks for highlighting these thoughts, I have been in this place before, many times.
Dear dear Gail, you are very welcome. I hope the questions help you get totally unstuck and move right along!
Hi dear Aileen, so nice to see you. Oh giving up red wine is brutal. Why did you do that?
! Just kidding. You know I don’t drink much alcohol…. but seriously, Aileen, if you feel deprived, it is just time to at least re-think it. The feelings of deprivation are never good and I’ve pushed past cravings, yes, but feeling deprived is different, and I am sure you know the difference too. So happy you enjoyed the post here. Thank you so much for sharing your lovely thoughts and please have some red wine on occasion!
Well written Farnoosh, I strongly identify with the sentiment about what good is knowledge if you don’t act on it; this is the grey area that I find myself repeatedly falling below expectations when it comes to habit form. I know what I need to do yet I don’t do it…
Hi Patrick, thank you and yes, knowledge can be a giant waste of time if we don’t act on it. Now that you know this about yourself, maybe you can gently push yourself toward applying it more? Good luck and thanks for stopping by.
I think for some of us (ok me!) the root cause is that we’re just not that committed long term enough – we seek instant results, smooth progress, and short uncomfortable phases. When these don’t happen we lapse giving our selves permission because ‘we tried but it didn’t work out’. Maybe it’s laziness, perhaps it’s lack of self-confidence, or chiefly because we realised when push came to shove that we loved our old habits more than any new ones and just won’t give them up. Now, where is that coffee????
Amusing and so true, John, so true. Instant results. Is it really our fault with being conditioned like this with the society around us? … Yes, I think it is. It’s just so hard to go against the norm of everything and to be at something long term and see only ounces of progress, it really isn’t easy. I really like the clear root cause you bring to surface here. It has applied to me no doubt.
!
Did you say coffee? I know you meant tea
Thank you so much for stopping by, John!
Nope, it’s coffee culture all the way and that’s one habit I’m not giving up!
Too funny, John. You can keep the coffee – and by the way, I recorded podcast Episode 5 this morning and I mentioned you. Thanks for being such a loyal reader and listener. It comes out next Friday, week from today, Aug19th.
You are a sweetheart Farnoosh I can’t wait and I’m gonna be there clapping from the sidelines!!
Farnoosh, you really hit it on the head with this one. The reason we fail at adopting new habits or trying to stop old ones is because we invariably try to force ourselves to do something we don’t really want to do but think we should. If we take the time to first examine our true motives and line up our energy (remove all of the fear and negative associations), it’s SOOOOO much easier.
Hugs,
Melody
Hi dear Melody, so nice to see you again. You are totally right for some habits, we just force ourselves into it because we think it might be good for us. True, very true. But sometimes, I really want to do something and I still fall out of it. That’s what I can’t figure out, and still in the process of questioning. Like yoga – I love yoga and yet I can’t seem to establish a daily pattern for it over long period of time. So much else gets in the way. Sigh. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and listening to mine, Melody. Hugs back!
Farnoosh,
I think you’ve covered every aspect of why, however, most of us stay stuck because we’re happy in our own little “comfort zone.” BTW, I admire you for becoming vegan and wonder if you feel even healthier. Does your husband eat a vegan diet too? I tried something called the “Kind Diet” by Alicia Silverstone, and lasted 5 weeks. My problem was I gained weight with all the grains, because I allowed myself to “eat more” thinking that it was healthier. Also I had to cook everything from scratch to follow her recipes and it became more than I wanted to do. Doesn’t mean I’m against it, just that I no longer wanted to follow it.
Sonia, nice to see you. You know, John Sherry said the same thing above before he ran off to fetch his coffee!! Oh boy, the diet. So the raw vegan has been really really hard – I don’t go hungry or anything but I just miss some of my cooked foods too much. The best switch came for me when I went to a healthy vegan, in that I try to eat a lot of fresh/raw foods and home cooked meals and now and again, some fried stuff if I am working out a lot. I don’t like the raw vegan much at all and epic blog post on that coming. The vegan diet plus my workouts put me in the best shape of my life. My husband does eat vegan with me but now that I am doing the raw thing, he is doing a modified Atkins so he does eat meats but much less than before. I hope you find the ideal, perfect diet for you. It is definitely a struggle to find one and stick to one that takes a lot of preparations (hint: raw food diet!!). Thanks so much for stopping by!
I totally agree with you. Once you fight your fear it becomes apart of who you are. I was very hesitant to do this raw challenge but I knew I needed to jump right into it. Why not? It’s been a challenge. I have faced fears everyday of messing up, or what if I am not eating balanced meals? We can only learn from our trials and tribulations. Thanks for sharing this. It shows us all that it’s OK to get our feet wet and fall in the water a few times. It’s getting past the fear and doubt that will make our habits permanent changes.
Hi dear Meg, how are you doing? So nice to see you here. Oh the raw thing has been hard but I am happy to be sticking to it. It is SO ok to fall and get up and then fall again and get back up again. Fear and doubt find their way to us no matter what we do; we just have to learn to deal with them, I think. I am so happy you came along this raw ride. I sure hope I last another 2 weeks. I am missing my cooked foods quite a bit. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here, gorgeous Meg!
Well habits make us who WE are! Everyone here is a product of his or her habits. If you cultivate great habits, you become a great person. If you cultivate Bad habits, your life match that badness. It’s best like FARNOOSH (smiles) to cultivate good habits, eating and or other-wise.
Hello Jonathan and thank you for the poetic prose here. Yes, we are a product of our habits, I really like that definition. Thank you for adding to conversation here. I am trying to find my way through this raw vegan challenge and I need all the encouragement out there.
Some of my habits, I simply forgot my way out of them.
An effective practice I found is to have a weekly reminder that pops up on my calendar, and reminds me of the habits or practices I want to adopt.
You forgot your way out of them? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a thing but J.D., you have a way of putting things out there. I guess now that I look back, I too did “forget my way out of many …” . Weekly reminds would work well. I must try them more. Thanks for sharing, J.D..
Thanks for this Farnoosh!
I always love the approach of… Instead of focusing on what you DONT want to be doing… focus instead on what you WANT to be doing and making good habits out of it…
I will be utilizing this to make some GOOD ASS HABITS!!!
Surfs up,
Sal, I think that’s probably one of my favorite – albeit slightly risqué – compliments
! Thank you so much and good luck with all your habits. Come back anytime.
Interesting Article! habits are funny sometimes. For example, let’s say you were a smoker for ten years. Then one day you decided to quit. You managed to quit for two years. One night you got out to dinner with a few friends they start to light up a cigarette. You smell the aroma emitted from the cancer stick and it reminds you of when you use to smoke. Out of nowhere, you ask, “can I have a smoke?” all of a sudden you are back in the habit.
Why did this happen? This happened because trail that was blazed in your memory of smoking in the past is still there. It doesn’t really go away you can only hope to make a new route in your memory which should be a good habit.
Hi Vic, welcome and thank you. Habits are amusing little things, no doubt! And the association of memories with bad habits is a terrible one to break. I am so glad you mentioned it. It is probably the reason why some of the habit-breaking approaches first go to the root of the habit and break the good associations and re-create new good ones. Alas, I do know what you mean though and I sincerely hope that you don’t give up if that is indeed the case because it can indeed go away with enough persistence and a strong enough motive.
Awesome read. Unsubstantiated fears and nonsensical associations = crushing starting new or re-starting habits that unlock potential. I totally relate and ready to re-engage. Thanks!
Thank you so much, Michael, so glad you enjoyed it. Unlock that potential! Let me know how it works out. It differs from habit to habit – and from person to person. But so long as you are willing to get back into it, the habit can’t help but reopen the doors. All the best!
Am i too late joining this? Hope not. This article reminds me of my condition at the moment. Sorry ‘coz this gonna be quite long but i really need help. Back to 2010-2011, i was pretty good and discipline to some positive habits i made and tried to commit myself to. I did yoga, varied it with jogging some days in a week, i ate well and full of consideration, i felt healthy, i looked great, i wrote daily journal, i even spent time reading before going to bed (which related to limit myself watching TV). But then my boyfriend got a terrible accident in Dec’ 2011, all these hospital and recovery stuff kinda ruined everything ‘coz i had to be there for him. NOW, it’s been about 5 months after all the nightmares ended. Thank God, my boyfriend is doing fine and healthy but i personally have a huge problem. Getting myself back to the habits i used to do!!! 5 months and i’m still like a lost child don’t know what to do, i can’t get myself commit no matter how many times i make a to-do list to motivate myself. I keep failing. So help me please, what to do to get myself back to those habits? I don’t feel comfortable at all being like this.
Hi dear Dhian, how kind and sweet of you to be there for your boyfriend and so happy he is doing well. So one thing to do is to forgive yourself and love yourself for not doing all your habits in 5 months. It’s VERY important not to berate yourself and feel guilty – that’s the first step – and the secret is to start very very slowly – one tiny little habit at a time. I know this is the best way to get back into it. Read some of the positive thinking and affirmation posts I have written from the archives to stay inspired. I hope this helps!
{ 3 brilliant comments, Care to add another? }