How is it that some of us so clearly remember memories from the earliest years of life on this earth while the rest of us struggle in vain to find a shred of anything that would awaken those sleeping beauties and bring them to the surface to let us to rejoice in?
I have been aching to remember my childhood in more depth and detail. Why the yearning and why now, I wish I knew. All I know is that I “rank at the bottom of the class” while my girlfriends remember vivid details of our days in Iran. A Los Angeles reunion after 26 years proved this and for the life of me, I cannot shake it off. Whatever happened to my beautiful memories?
“How can you not remember this incident or that person?“
Believe me, it’s not for lack of trying or desire. Or being a forgetful person in any way shape or form.
I never thought I would feel envious of someone with more memories and better recollection of their childhood than me but I really do. What an odd and strange case of jealousy! I approach envy and jealousy with extreme caution in my life; I know from experience that no goodness stems from either emotion and in fact, unnecessary harm to oneself is their outcome at best. As young adults, we naturally experience all spectrum of emotions but in the process of maturing, we learn to recognize and filter the good from the not-so-good. Living a life free of all jealousy and envy has been my motto and it just so turns out that there is no happiness above wanting what you have rather than wanting what you lack.
In all fun and irony, here I am, returning from a trip to Beverly Hills, a place which stirs a wish list as long and wide as Rodeo drive for most people and yet my deepest desire right now is to be flooded with memories of my early childhood and school years in Iran before leaving. I want so much to remember random incidents, significant events, sweet conversations, my teachers and my class mates, the games at birthday parties and the mid-morning breaks in the school courtyard, and every excruciating detail around the first and the last time I saw my best friends.
If only we could be a butterfly on those walls. If only we could relive our childhood just one more time. If only we could have one day back to remember to save and savor every memory for this day. If only time would afford us such sweet act of kindness once in our lifetime. Oh what I would do with that chance, how I would exploit it to bits and pieces, how I would submit to paper (or to my genius iPhone!) every memory. How I would save every scrap of paper, every sticker, every gift from my friends, every photo (despite the atrocious photo quality of the 1980s!), every school book and every single notebook my little pencil ever touched.
But alas, it is not to be. We only move forward in this time and space and for some of us, our memories are as fleeting and unreachable as the past itself. The more we reach out to touch them, caress them and hold on to them, the more they scape into oblivion. Yet if the Heavens were to grant me any wish, I’d ask that they give me back my lost memories of those precious days, for I cannot for the life of me find them or if they lie dormant, I cannot seem to awaken them.
This is in all likeliness the most inquisitive post I shall write here in Prolific Living. So forgive the long list of questions in advance, I have less to offer here than you my dear readers. If there is only one post in all of this blog on which you choose to share your thoughts, let it be this one. Pick any question, any mix of questions or all of them and help ease my sorrow of my forgotten memories with your thoughts, opinions, knowledge, and words. I await your answers with bated breath (the Shakespearean spelling, I checked!)……thank you!
- As human beings, do we really retain all our memories from a certain childhood age somewhere, somehow?
- If we do retain all the memories, then they must go dormant after a while. How can we awaken them, especially if the usual tangible reminders do not bring back anything? What if any are the safe ways to access the recesses of our mind?
- If we don’t retain them, then what are the memory patterns and the deciding factors for what one person remembers versus another?
- If we have intention and desire to forget an event or a series of events, and if constantly reminded of this intention, is it really possible to make our brain forget and “discard” a memory?
- In cases where we remember a long forgotten memory, how can we ensure its safe and new residence among our brain cells?
- Does hypnosis help revive old and forgotten memories? (No I am not thinking about it, just curious!)
- How do you fill the void of not having many tangibles from your childhood? Is the lack of material objects related to the loss of their associated memories?
- What are some of your earliest memories, being careful to distinguish between events where a person has recounted a story for you and those where you actually remember?
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{ 50 brilliant comments, Care to add another? }
Farnoosh,
I so relate to this post. Even though I live quite near my childhood home and have a few keepsakes, I remember hardly anything from my childhood and feel no connection to places I lived, studied, and played. One of my dear friends remembers every little detail of long ago events – who said what, the color of a dress – while I can’t even conjure up a fuzzy recollection of the events themselves.
I don’t feel a void from those lost memories so much as a sense of frustration from feeling like I ‘should’ remember.
Hi Jean, I can’t even imagine being in your shoes. It would be so nice to see the house or the room or the yard with the grown-up eyes and think back to how it must’ve seemed to little Jean….And I definitely share the frustration with you. Let me know if you get a flood of recollection someday! Here’s hoping we both do! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on memories!
Farnoosh,
I love the way you structure your sentences. The way your writing flows along with the underlining thoughts. Poetic expression, so clearly expressed.
“If only we could be a butterfly on those walls. If only we could relive our childhood just one more time. If only we could have one day back to remember to save and savor every memory for this day.”
You got one more reader today.
Hi Abubakar, thank you for flattering me to bits and pieces – I am only happy that it speaks to you and resonates with you – and happier still to have a new reader. How humbling for me. Welcome!
Hi Farnoosh
I can remember bits and pieces of my childhood but it never bothers me that I can’t remember everything.
I have a sister who is two years older than me and she can remember much more than me, places we lived, neighbours, events. Helps bring back some of my memories but some are gone forever.
I heard someone say recently that our memories are getting worse, not better!
Reason being that we don’t have to remember anything – we use our iPhones.
Time to get rid of your iPhone Farnoosh. LOL
Keith, I am *not* getting rid of my iPhone and I think you oughta get one now that we’re on the topic! ;0
Your lucky sister – What is her secret? At least she can be your fill for all the gaps in your memory. I hear that too and I think we can still find ways to exercise it, but is all that really directly related to memories or other functions by the brain?
Be strong Farnoosh, be strong and get rid of that iPhone. LOL
As soon as you give up public speaking and stay away for a year, I’ll drop my iPhone….nay, I’ll give it to someone for a DAY then get it back. How is that?
!
Dear Farnoosh,
, but his “Speak, Memory,” about his childhood and youth, is written with lyricism, beauty, and fineness. It’s a romanticizing memoire, unlike Proust’s, who romanticizes but also analyzes. The world of Proust’s novel is a meditation on just what you are exploring, time, memory, and a sense of loss. Thank you for your thoughts and heartfelt writing. I love “butterfly on the wall,” and the entire post is a reminder of what modern life tends to prevent, the slow, committed absorption of as much of our lives as we can inhabit (as your yoga blogs always remind me). We achieve eternity in the bright, timeless moments that come our way.
– A lovely but poignant post that says something deep to all of us. Pardon the word “Nabokov”
In my experience, photographs, physical objects, and similar smells and sounds have captured many childhood memories that can float to the surface in unguarded moments when we are thinking of something else or relaxed when the sight, object, or scent is present. Physical connection is a powerful link to early memory — in Proust, a taste and scent together, and a footstep on a broken pavement tile.
Some of us have memories we believe go back to infancy, but many of my friends don’t remember much that’s earlier than about 6th grade. Neuroscientists have stimulated parts of the brain that seem to have produced vivid, exact, and correct memories in patients, but this result has been challenged by other researchers; so have results from hypnosis. I’ve seen absolute “yes” and absolute “no,” depending on who was talking.
You offer a profound meditation here and forge another bright link in the chain that will connect your past self with your future self some day. Thank you for both.
Rebekah, you have such a way with words. How can I even come close to matching your eloquence in response? I see that your beloved Proust resurfaces again and it deepens my curiosity about his writing. Modern life is such a fast pace that I wonder how much of that will accompany me into old age. I hardly can fathom how fast the years seem to pass and I remember distinctly how slow the passage of time felt to me when I lived in Iran and Turkey. In addition to the aesthetics you shared, thank you for the scientific bit even though it seems inconclusive. I think meditation is my best option here. Thank you for being a loyal and most observant reader. You humble me every time with your words.
I really like your blog. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, wisdom, questions, observations and zest for living a happy, “Prolific” life.
Dear Julie, I am thrilled to hear you say this and you are very welcome. Indeed that is my goal and perhaps I can inspire it to be the goal of my readers too.
Dearest Farnoosh, As you really wish to retrieve these memories, I very much hope you will achieve this and that it will be meaningful for you. In my own case, I find it’s much better to live in the present moment – as best I can – than clutter the mind with thoughts of the past or future. In that way, not remembering much of my childhood is a leg up!
Dear Sandra, it’s wonderful to have that distinct notion about one’s desires and you know exactly where you stand on the memory lane. I envy you. I want to go back, as much as I love the present moment, and I want all that clutter before closure can happen…..thank you for your sweet wish!
This is a wonderful and very interesting post Farnoosh! Thank you!
For me it is also better to live in the present and let the past be, what I do remember is enough, I do not wish to dig in more.
But I have one childhood memory that I cherish very very much – it is my fondest memory from all my memories! Something quite simple:
I was maybe three years old or even less, and I remember being taken, I guess by my parents, to an aunt, a visit to my fathers oldest sister. She took my hand and led me outside to her beautiful garden and she gave me some tiny vessels and vases, made from unglazed clay (I remember exactly the touch and feel of them) to play with. I remember how much I liked and admired them, how much I appreciated their artfulness! I can still see me left alone sitting in the garden, playing with this lovely pottery, smelling the flowers over my head (yes, I must have been very little!), the sunny shining – and being completely happy!
Yael, you are very welcome – it’s wonderful to read all of your recent thoughts. Thank you for sharing that beautiful memory which conjured up a very vivid image in my mind. If only even one memory can come back in full detail, sometimes it’s better than a hundred in fragments. No?
May you always be completely happy. Thanks for sharing this!
A warm salty breeze and the strong lush smell of Juniper. Every time I smell the heavy aroma of a particular Juniper, I’m instantly transported to the Caspian Sea and the beach house there, the ocean, the wells full of frogs, building sofa-cushion forts. I can picture it exactly, remember the paths we took, remember things and places I haven’t thought about for 30+ years. And then I mostly forget it all again until when I next smell that combination, which is rarely ever. The smell of a particular Nivea lotion does the same thing because that’s what we used at the beach. Smell is such a memory trigger for me! The smell of root beer, and I’m instantly 9 in South Carolina – I can picture every detail, what I was doing, feeling, where I was going.
I think I have a pretty bad memory, but there are moments when it comes to life
Ah Deana, I remember Shomal too but I was much younger than you and haven’t your level of sweet detail. I do however remember that Nivea was indeed the #1 lotion brand all over Iran. Smell is what I need then. I wonder what kind of smell I should look for. My mom had a perfume that I have now and keep for special occasions only to smell her the way she used to smell. I am ever so happy for you to have this special memory. Thank you for sharing and for making me smile!
I believe that we remember absolutely everything. I think that we ‘lose’ memories, because we don;t want to bring-up the feelings associated with them. By allowing ourselves to feel and by accepting and not trying to avoid ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ feelings, we can often remember far more than we’d originally thought.
I am so tempted to agree with you – especially since blocking out those memories has been part of the process for a number of years for me. Now I need to open the doors and let them in, and take them as they are. Thank you thank you!
Hi Farnoosh,
I wish I had your answer…the one thing I can suggest is to state before you drift off to sleep that you want to remember your childhood. Then LET IT GO. Do this every night, relax and surrender. I believe eventually your memories will come.
I can recall vividly memories since 2 years old yet I can’t remember your cell phone no. address or stuff like that unless I write it down immediately.
I remember colors clothes, my memories come back in vivid photographs.
Trust they’ll come…when you’re least expecting them they will.
Dear Tess, you have tons of support and that gets me closer to the answer. I am going to do exactly as you say for 10 days and then tell you everything – whether you want to hear it or not
– No seriously, I think it’s a brilliant idea. I have heard so much that what we tell our conscious mind moves into the deeper states when we reach dreamland…..I will trust that they shall come too. Thank you thank you!
From a scientific standpoint, using what little I know about the way the brain and memory works, I think the way you left Iran — on vacation, without being told you wouldn’t return — created a disconnect in your brain. The link between the memories you currently have access to and the memories of what happen before you left Iran, are electrically disconnected in your brain.
I think they’re still there, you just don’t have access to them. How can you gain access to them? Again, with my very limited knowledge of the subject, I think hypnosis might be the best option. Oftentimes our subconcious works against us, convincing us that we cannot re-create that connection to the disconnected memories, so no matter how hard we try, we’re unable to recall them. Hypnosis forces our subconscious to give up that control and, using a hypnotist to guide us, we might be able to recreate the connection.
I’ve never been hypnotised and it’s something I’ve always been weary about (anything that involves giving over control to an external force, especially when it comes to my own subconscious, is scary!), but I think there’s definitely a science, and use, for such techniques.
Raam, thank you for the informative comment. I find it so hard to believe that from that period, the memories are disconnected but you may be right. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on hypnosis along with your reservations and your fears, all of which I share so that option is off the table at this time. It’s so sad that our subconscious works against us and perhaps the harder we try, the more difficult it may become. Will you let me know if you ever try hypnosis? Thank you so much for sharing all of these thoughts!
I will definitely let you know if I ever try hypnosis, but it’s doubtful that I ever will!
All the best!
Memories are wonderful! They can help us to analyze our life or simply to enjoy it. I love to think of my past!
Thanks a lot, Farnoosh, for this post! It made me remember something good!
Roman, so happy to remind you of the lovely memories of your childhood….I love to think of mine too. You are very welcome. Thanks for saying hi!
I don’t know the answer for you, but I do know that for me memories are often linked to smells, or tastes, or sounds. A song on the radio, or the scent of a particular perfume, or the taste of a food or drink can bring back memories that until that point I was completely unaware of. I wish you well in your search for memories, but I know you won’t forget to remain in the present
Hi Claire, you are so right – that works for a lot of my other memories especially after age 12 or 13. I just can’t seem to go back further in time alot. It’s so nice that you can be so connected to your memories. Full presence is alive and well while the search for these memories continues!
Farnoosh: Great post and intriguing questions. I was literally going through them all and thinking … I don’t know the answer to this one, I don’t know the answer to this one
I do have some memories from my childhood. I think like everyone else I remember the highs and definitely the lows. I remember some accomplishments and of course I also remember those things that I never felt I accomplished. What sticks out the most though and seems to be more lasting than any of those fleeting memories were the emotions and feelings I had during childhood. I think those good feelings are what I have continually reflected on because overall I was very happy. I think that may be the reason I don’t necessarily feel a void from not remembering. Of course, I can’t say this for sure, but I definitely appreciate the intriguing questions and the pointer to reflect on some good memories from childhood.
Hi Sibyl, I asked some tough questions – I really did. It is wonderful to hear that you were very happy as a child. I think I was too! And good for you for not filling the void – perhaps you are not too far in distance from where you grew up and perhaps you have been able to return? I wonder if the inability to ever go back has something to do with my void – I simply did not get closure on the house, the friendships, the school, the life…..And someday I need to have it! Lovely to hear your thoughts! Thank you!
Hi Farnoosh.
Offlate, I’ve been in a similar boat. Trying to hold onto memories and store them. But they come and go and I suddenly feel a loss. As though I am missing out on life itself. And then I told myself. Sure, I don’t remember incidents, events, stories but what stays in the present is the relationships that mattered from the past and the emotion. I may not remember what I said exactly, or what fun we had in the past, but I remember that I cared when I did.
And apart from that ,what is gone is gone. musn’t be that important.
I have the now, and now I can write everything and save it. Or learn and embody it. Trying a lil of both out now.
Hi Uzma, I really enjoyed reading your account of your own memories and your relationship with them. I find the whole process fascinating. But I do agree: What’s gone is gone, and what we have most of all is now. I’ll try to remember that. Thank you so much and I hope that you find everything you are seeking in your memories, no more and no less!
Dear Farnoosh. Thank you for your kind words. I do also hope you find all the memories you’re looking for and can create some fantastic new ones as well. God bless
Farnoosh,
Memories…why do we remember what we do, and yet also *not* remember other things, too? Perhaps there’s some reason…and perhaps there isn’t any reason. I can recall with great detail certain things in my life…moments. And yet, there are also some spots that are blank. I know I was there…it’s just that there isn’t anything. Sometimes there might be some specific conversation, or being someplace – and that can trigger some of these blank spot to come back. And still, other times….nothing.
What you do have are the friendships that you nurtured in those earlier days. Maybe that’s enough. That connection to another and something that bonds you to them….
Hi Lance, I wish I knew the answer too – that selective process of choosing some and leaving out a lot of others. I know that the friendships now matter the most – and maybe those guys can help me trigger more of my memories. Maybe that’s enough – I love that phrase. Thank you thank you as always!
Farnoosh,
It is funny how some event of childhood we remember so vividly and other we seem to forget. I remember one event of my childhood like I was there, and others I can not, even when my mom tells me I used to love and do certain things. I can not remember.
I am not sure for the reason, but I think we suppress some memories? May be ?
Zengirl, first, what a great nickname!
I think suppressing the memories has something to do with it – I just wish I knew if we can awaken them with any triggers if that is the case….We shall see I suppose. Life may just surprise us, you know?
Thanks for your comment!
Hi Farnoosh !
What a tremendous theme you raise and question. I have studied your blog and your pictures, so that intuitively speaking am not surprised. –“Life can be understood backwards but not forwards .” – Kierkegaard seemed to know this. Why doesn’t the past bury itself, instead of sitting waiting to be admired by the present ?
As the human reason at its best is always concrete we tend to ask questions, the answer of which, sometimes surpasses our own reason. However let us reason a bit – Being on a large rock with a tiger above, and another bellow, and two rats continuing to gnaw on its vine, the man tasted the strawberry and found it absolutely delicious. – Despite his perilous situation, the man chose not to let unrealized dangers paralyze him. He was able to seize the moment and savor it. The top of the cliff represents the past. It’s where the man /(woman) had been and where he came from. In terms of your personal time line, this metaphor refers to all your experiences and memories from the life that you have already lived.
Climbing up the vine, toward the top of the cliff, would be to revisit the past. The tiger at the top represents the danger of dwelling in the past too much. If we constantly beat up ourselves up for not being able to do certain things as well as we should, or if we wallow in regret and shame over mistakes we have made, then the tiger has wounded us with its sharp claws. If we cannot let go of negative experiences from the past that make us timid and afraid, or if we feel like victims because we came from a traumatic or perhaps abusive background, then the tiger has taken a painful bite out of us.
The tiger also represents the impossibility of going back in time to fix something. Sometimes we wish we could turn back the clock and do certain things over. Perhaps you think of the perfect comeback long after the right moment has passed; perhaps there was a special someone from high school that you should have approached but didn’t; perhaps you said something hurtful to a loved one and would do anything to take it back. Unfortunately the path of time is a one- way street – the fearsome tiger guards the top of the cliff, and the mere mortals may not pass.
The bottom of the cliff represents the future. It is the undiscovered country, the unwritten chapter. The future contains all your dreams and fears, aspirations and disappointments, potential victories and possible setbacks. It is the mysterious and uncertain domain of tomorrow. Climbing down the vine, closer to the bottom of the cliff, is to look ahead, anticipate and speculate about the future. The tiger at the bottom represents the danger of being excessively concerned about that which is to come – particularly at the expense of our ability to act, or to maintain peace of mind.
To cut my improvised analysis short – Man’s position between two tigers represents the present. Note that he hangs midair. In the same way we are suspended between the past and the future. They use to say –‘Leave the past alone; Don’t worry and let the future take care of itself. Meanwhile enjoy the present.’ Learn from the past; prepare yourself for the future; and meanwhile take advantage of the present.’
Michael, thank you for sharing a great story with a morale much larger and more memorable than if it were told without the supporting story. I have to watch out for not one but two tigers in this lifetime so it seems being fully in the present works out best after all…..
Hi Farnoosh,
What an interesting article. I do believe all our memories are stored in our subconscious mind and never really disappear. I’m on the side that does not recall too many details… I believe this is because I block them out.
I recently had an experience where I uncovered a wealth of Jazz knowledge that I had completely forgotten about. When I was in my 20′s I listened to a lot of Jazz and became pretty knowledgeable. After going to New Orleans for a weekend all this knowledge came flooding back to me after 40 years of laying dormant. I had completely forgotten I had ever known this stuff. I was stunned at my power to recall names, songs, trivia etc. It was a real testament to the power of the subconscious mind.
Hi rob, thank you for voting confidently in this area – I so hope you are in the right and that someday I too will be flooded like you with memories that have for a long time been lying dormant. It must have felt wonderful to be in your shoes and to feel deja vu all over again. Thank you so much for sharing a very bright story!!!!
The first sentence of this blog rings so true for me. Neda and I have had many shared memories throughout the years since we have spent every day of our lives together. However, it’s amazing the memories Neda remembers that I don’t. She can remember exactly where she sat in almost every class, every teacher she ever had, etc. It’s amazing how much of a photogentic memory she has! All the while, here I am, twin sister, can’t remember a thing (or so it seems!)!
Maybe it’s a blessing that you don’t remember everything.. what fun would hearing stories from family and friends be if you did?
Negar, you have spent EVERY DAY together? Really? That is amazing in itself. Yes, she seems to fare better on the memory than me for sure – I am envious but she is probably no help with my memories. It won’t hurt to ask. Maybe she’ll remember more of Iran than me even though she was a little toddler…..Ok then, I am going to rely on Neda and other family members for my memories too
!! Thanks for sharing that lovely tidbit about you and your twin sis!!!
Nicely written.
Trip down memory lane.
thank you…..glad you had a nice trip down your memory lane!
Well, I can tell you I have almost no childhood memories at all. Not the well defined ones at least. I marvel at the people that latch onto a memory with such ease. My brothers do it all the time. I on the other hand cannot. If memory was a circle, where the outer edge of the circle was fuzzy and out of focus, but you could sense a moment and then travel towards the center of the circle and it becomes sharper and more well defined, revealing a complete recall of accounts at a particular moment. I can’t do that, my circle isn’t solid, it is a donuts. When I latch onto one of those fuzzy memories from the outer edge and head towards the middle, it just drops off, blank and nondescript. When I was 10 years old, a teenage boy at my next store neighbors house poisoned me. I never found out what it was, but it messed me up. If you want more details, just ask. I had an EEG when I was like 19 years old, living in Phoenix Arizona. it revealed some serious problems. I cannot prove it was that experience, but I never felt mentally right ever since that day. Those memories were my f*ing property and I felt like they where stolen from me. It feels like there is a death and no tomb stone to visit no evidence there was ever life. It sucks.
Hi Damon, thank you for sharing very powerful and personal story of your past and I am very sorry for what happened to you – When I have a hard time remembering my memories, I rely on people that are close to me (such as brothers) to fill those gaps for me. I hope that you make peace with the unfortunate incident and that you cherish whatever memories you make today and from here on out. Thanks for commenting!
You CAN bring back memories! They are all stored in your subconscious mind! You can access those memories either through hypnosis or, through going to a relaxed (alpha) state of mind and training your subconscious mind to communicate with you. This is explained in the book: “The Genie Within” by Harry W. Carpenter!
Thank you so much for the reference, Ucat. I am very happy to read your comment and will absolutely look into this book. I am interested in the non-hypnosis side of the solution though
!
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