Yesterday, I finally had a conversation with Fear.
You probably know Fear as well as I do.
It is the feeling of insecurity and doubt that makes you uneasy all around when you least expect it.
It is the nervousness at the pit of your belly and the shake in your finger tips that is well beyond normal jitters.
It creeps in during the most momentous occasions in your life and sets out to do some damage in one way or another.
It finds its way into your heart as you are planning a life-changing event and whispers worries and anxiety into your ear.
It shows up uninvited and unwelcome as you are making a big decision in your life only to make you hesitate.
It weighs its heavy burden on your shoulders as you are embracing an opportunity to stand before a live audience and tell them your story.
How do you have a conversation with such a beast? How do you make it listen and obey you? How do you convey that you and only you are the master of the ceremony that is your life?
How do you tell Fear not to interfere with your greatness?
There are times in your life where you should not allow Fear to come in through that door. There are days that Fear should not interrupt. There are moments when you need to muster the courage and silence the Fear. There are days that Fear should absolutely not darken with its shadows.
So this is how my conversation went:
You know what? You are not getting the best of me. Not today, not this time.
I have had it with you. I am sick and tired of taking you into the most special times in my life and having you mess it up and walk away laughing. I am done letting you take away from my glorious moments and having you limit my potential.
Enough already. I am kicking you out. I am going to go out there without you because you have never ever served me well.
From now on, I will walk without you. I will make my decisions without you. I will face an unknown without you. I am going to take my chances without you.
I should only let you in to do what you are supposed to do, which is to keep me safe from harm and immediate danger. No other roles are asked of you so beyond that, you are not interrupting the flow of my life.
In fact, I choose to live the rest of the days without you. And if I were you, I’d take me very seriously.
How do you prepare yourself to have this conversation with Fear?
You cannot bluff your way with Fear. It knows you through and through. You have to be prepared for the decision, the opportunity, the event, the road ahead and you do that by practicing. By knowing your skills. By sharpening the saw. By having a plan and a backup plan and another backup plan. By understanding the circumstances and taking calculated risks. By informing yourself of all the necessities. By having confidence in yourself and your abilities.
You do not have to wait for a grand occasion to have this conversation with Fear. The opportunities are around you every day.
Are you ever going to take that trip to see your children or friends half-way across the country, or visit the city of your dreams since childhood, or will you let the fear of travel paralyze you and leave you with nothing but regret in your old age?
Are you ever going to take up an opportunity to speak in front of a crowd and share your compelling message or will you shy away from the Fear of public speaking and always be one of the audience?
Are you ever going to part ways with people who do not serve you well (a must read story from Christine Gilbert) or will you continue to carry the burden of wrong influences in your life?
Are you ever going to take chance and do something you love to do every day to create some sense of fulfillment and happiness in your work or will you go with the flow until the rest of your days even against your heart’s pleas and desires?
What? I don’t understand and it’s hard? Of course it is! No kidding!
Whoever said it is supposed to be easy? Nothing worth achieving is easy. But it is possible. All of what you can imagine is possible. Do you want it and are you willing to go for it? That is the only question. Excuses cloud possibilities. The lust for comfort and security clouds the true desires of the heart.
So no, it’s not easy but it is possible to leave Fear behind, to walk into the momentous occasions of your life without it and to claim your own greatness.
Have you ever had a conversation with Fear?
This post was inspired by the insane jitters from the fabulous opportunity to speak at Blogworld this week on May 26th. Thank you for your incredible support, my darling readers and let us not let Fear in where Fear serves no purpose.
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{ 49 brilliant comments, Care to add another? }
Great post, lovely one! I do love to converse with fear. This is something I wrote on Gail’s blog recently that expresses my view on it:
“I try to personify fear and instead of seeing it as a scary monster I see it as a little girl just wanting to be noticed. Somehow this view of it allows me to have compassion for the fear, to see it as outside of myself, and to acknowledge it while not being sucked into it.”
So if that little girl pipes up with fear today I will kiss her on the nose and tell her everything will be just fine…and it will!
Dear Emma, hi! So good to see you. And what can I say? I really like your personification and feeling pity for fear rather than anger and power over it. Does it work?
Thank you for stopping by!!
Thank you Farnoosh for this wonderful post! You’re really resonating with me.
Fear can be so sabotaging as it immobilizes and paralyzes, keeping us handcuffed to a dissatisfying status quo. There we stand frozen.
I love your idea of speaking to fear! It’s very active (instead of cowering in passivity and avoidance), and action is crucial in conquering fear. We have to get MAD at fear, in a healthy way, and “kick it out”, as we would that deadbeat family member who’s been living with us for years, not contributing, and draining our resources. This kind of fear doesn’t contribute to our success and certainly drains our precious energy.
I’m guessing you’d agree that, ultimately, the only way out of fear is courage. Fear is a necessary ingredient for courage to exist—without fear, courage can’t be demonstrated. Thank you for being a living example of someone courageously moving through her fear. I find nothing more inspiring than stories of courage such as yours.
Keep moving!
Hi dear Sean, it’s really nice to see you here over and over. Thank you so much for taking time to leave such thoughtful and helpful comments! And oh my goodness, please don’t tell me you have one such family person in your life now
!
The way out of fear is extreme and pure courage. It so is!! But I think courage CAN be demonstrated without fear. What others do that we find courageous may not have emerged from a place of fear in them necessarily. I think courage can exist with or without fear and we do not know just how very much of it we have until we are put to the test.
I guess being forced into adulthood at 10 years old and having to make decisions for myself and my baby brother helped me realize that fear was a coward.
We never truly realize our strength until we are forced to face our fear head on. Trial by fire was not my choice and I wouldn’t recommend it but, I’m grateful for the lessons learned.
You’ve done a great job sharing your journey Farnoosh. I know you’ve helped many people face their fears and make that leap of faith. You will rock Blogworld!
b
Oh Barbara, I think you had hinted at this for me before. I am so proud of what you accomplished. So so amazing what we can do when we are put to the test. So yes, no doubt you quickly faced and crushed many fears.
I am delighted and blessed to have had such amazing readers with whom I get to share my experience. Thank you so much for being one!
There should be an equation for ~ parts of Anger per parts of Fear. It will balance out evenly i think.
Jasmine, indeed so if you discover a formula, just let me know please
!
Thanks for your comment!
Fear is definitely a crazy issue. I don’t think we can ever truly move beyond our fears. We can just get to the point of overcoming them to the point of where we are confident that they have no control over us.
Fear will always tell you, “Hey, don’t go out onto that stage to publically speak because the boogie man will get you.” But when you’ve been able to move beyond the fear, you just laugh at it. In addition, the way you suggested about confronting the fear head on is truly an excellent starting place
Stephen, you are probably right! I think it’s ambitious to think we can make it vanish into thin air but we have got to be in charge. And it’s a great way to build confidence and gain courage for what we are meant to do in life. Thank you so much for your comment here.
I loved this post and can completely relate.
I have conversations with fear all the time, but usually I don’t prepare for them. I’ve had to fight with my fear of food for a long time, and have finally been able to master it.
One of the best ways to master any fear is to use logic to your advantage. When I really dug down to the facts and eliminated all the useless static around my decisions, I was able to see through many of the fears in daily life.
I think it’s important to scare yourself a bit, but also to be prepared and take on that fear like you say.
Great work as usual:)
Dear Armi, hi and welcome here. What kind of fears with food or around food have you had? It is wonderful that you have overcome them!!
Logic is a great ally with which to fight fear – very true – but sometimes, the heart rules too strongly and won’t hear the logic – at least, it does for me in case of really strong fears. What about you? Thank you so much for contributing to the conversation!!
Great, great post Farnoosh. I think fear is on a lot of people’s minds and it is something that we have to really lookout for because it has a way of just sneaking up on us and working against us. I really appreciated what you said about not letting it get the best of you and choosing to live without it. It really drives home the point that we can control our thoughts and what we focus on. Great post.
Hi dear Sibyl, it sure sneaks up at times, no matter how prepared we become! I have struggled so much with fear – it is finally time to get in charge of my life! I am so glad the post resonated with you! You have talked about fear on your posts before also and I know it’s a topic of great interest to both of us! Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts, dear Sibyl!
Brilliant Post!
So apt, we totally underestimate the strength of our fears and how they can completely incapacitate us from living our lives to the fullest… More often than not, we just exist and sway with the motions rather than being in charge of who we are!
Great! Thanks
Dear Tyna, nice to see you here. Thank you so much fro your comment.
! Thanks for stopping by.
I don’t think I could have put it better than you in how fear affects our lives. Sometimes, I think of us as being in the ocean and being swayed by waves rather than swimming to a direction of choice. Good news is that we *can* do the latter
Nothing has power over us without our permission – including fear. This is a wonderful manifesto Farnoosh about how to regain control of our lives – in spite of our fears.
Thanks,
Alex
Alex, lovely to see you here on a topic that you are no doubt an expert yourself. Not giving fear the permission, now that I really, really like. Thank you for the words of inspiration!
Hello Farnoosh,
It was good to meet you at Blog World today. I am looking forward to listening to you speak on Thursday. I didn’t realize that your blog is so powerful. It resonates with me very much. Ironically, I made this post on my blog earlier this year about fear as well. I hope you like it. Warm Regards, Bill
Bill, it was great to meet you at Blogworld. Did you make it to the talk today? I like your description – powerful! And I am very flattered. I looked at your post and will comment. Thanks for sharing and nice meeting you again!
Hello Farnoosh,
Unfortunately i had to leave NYC on Wednesday to get back for kids soccer, plays, etc.
I will be listening to the replay as soon as they make it available.
How was the fee
I am truly amazed at the engagement of your readers. It is so great for people to be able to share back and forth. Bill
Hi Bill, don’t even worry about it. “How was the fee…”> Was there more to that? I think you were curious maybe about my session? I think it went very very well, thanks so much for asking and it was great to meet you again. My readers make this site what it is. They are amazing and it is wonderful to have their undying support. Thanks for being one of those readers here at Prolific Living.
Farnoosh,
I never thought people would be interested in reading them other than myself. Have a great holiday weekend. Bill
Yes i made a mistake typing. Feedback was what i was curious about and you answered my question. I appreciate your comments on ‘prayerformations’. Years ago my wife said i should put them in my blog. I have enough to fill 2 books
“Fear is what we learned here.”
Beautiful.
That’s a perfect one-liner reminder of how we started out.
J.D., I can’t get credit for that quote but I do love it. Source is someone else. No kidding that’s how we started. Right? Pure and happy! Sigh. Thanks for the emphasis and for your comment.
The personification of fear is not something I recall doing myself. Nevertheless, I can see how that might create an intellectual detachment from fear. Since all emotions, including fear, arise in the unconscious mind and are manifested in our bodies, I doubt that it is possible to consciously control them once they arise. Though as you say in this post , Farnoosh, we can learn to control the way we respond to them. I think it is important that we acknowledge that fear is an inseparable part of our selves. Fear provokes: it provokes reactions to my environment.
Hi Andrew, I have tried to deal with fear so many, many ways. The dialogues sometimes help me disassociate it from myself and therefore, gain more power over it and put myself in charge. It is of course a mental game!
So yes, you are right, I can see the different way you look at it – fear will continue to rise but we can choose to control our reaction rather than control the presence or absence of fear. Great in-depth analysis. Thank you for the voice and effort here, very helpful, Andrew.
Your post reminded me of a story about a young warrior who has to battle fear. Fear is big and menacing. The warrior is small and inexperienced. She faces fear and bows, then asks fear how she can defeat him. He bows back and says she can defeat him by simply not doing what he tells her to do.
I like this story because it takes the focus off of the battle. Struggling with fear, I think, is like struggling with quicksand. The fear feeds off the struggle, and you just get mired more deeply. The warrior faced her fear with respect and thus learned how to defeat fear.
I have found in my own life that my worst fear is of being afraid. Once I quit worrying about being afraid, and just acknowledge the fear, it seems to lose its power. I just don’t do what it tells me to do. It fades like the mist.
Your conversation with fear is awesome. I am sure that fear will not be messing with you after that!!
Hello dear Galen, I love it when I prompt you to tell us stories. And that is one amazing, beautiful, and unforgettable story. THANK YOU so much!! It was really great to use the power of storytelling to help me visualize a different way yet to deal with fear. You are ever so resourceful. Thank you again dear Galen!
This is a great post, Farnoosh! I would add that the only times fear has worked in my favor is those times when something was definitely dangerous, and I allowed it to tell me to avoid it, something many people will fight through and get injured on.
But the main point about allowing fear to stop you from doing things is great. I think we all go through that here and there where we question on competence or ability, especially when asked to do something that’s not quite what we’re used to doing. But if we don’t try, we’ll never know and we’ll end up being upset with ourselves for not trying.
Dear Mitch, lovely to see you here again. Thank you so so much for your comment and your thoughts. Exactly right on – as I mentioned: “I should only let you in to do what you are supposed to do, which is to keep me safe from harm and immediate danger.” – That is all fear is good for!
And yes, the fear of regret is a terrible fear so it is best to overcome the fear of not doing whatever it is we need to be doing right now instead! Well-said, Mitch.
Thanks Farnoosh. And I even wrote a blog post on the subject yesterday, for which you can see the link below; even gave you some credit for inspiration.
I saw that – thank you so much. Well-written. Glad that it inspired more conversation and thought beyond this post. Thanks for sharing Mitch!
Ah, the old ‘friend’ fear, we know each other so well
I’ve made a concious decision to treat my fear as a bit of an overprotective and overbearing friend who kind of gets out of control every now and then and tries to stop me from doing stuff it thinks it needs to protect me from. I do have a stern word with it every now and then just to explain that although it’s very nice of it to try and ‘keep me safe’ there is absolutely nothing to worry about and we’re going to have some fun instead. It doesn’t always work immediately but more I acknowledge it and let it know that I am grateful to it for trying to protect me, but that I really don’t need any protection at this time, thank you very much indeed, easier it gets 
Hello dear Veronika, I see you are friends too. I love your conversations and little “deals” with fear. I think as long as it is not keeping you from immediate danger and harm, it is a wasted load to carry along the way and you have just the right attitude and approach to it. Very creative. Lovely to hear it and thanks for sharing it!
Hi Farnoosh,
Sometimes I’m afraid of to take big decision in my life. It changes my life and get me out of the comfort zone. And then, the fear comes to my door. It whispers in my ear to not change my life and take something new. It makes me confused and hesitate to do that. How I conquer my fear, then? I won’t get confused and full of regrets after I choose the next step in my life.
Hi dear Andrew, nice to see you here again. Oh I am afraid of big changes all the time, not just sometimes. But sometimes, it’s just fear and anxiety and you *know* it’s the right decision deep down – whereas other times, it is doubt and concerns about something that you may have to work through. If your intuition and your gut is telling you it’s the right decision – you do know how to hear their voices, right? – and yet you are just afraid to take the step, it probably is the right decision but if you have doubts or concerns or think it may have serious ramifications, then maybe it’s a good thing to reevaluate before taking the next step. Does it make sense? I hope so. None of us want regrets but we also don’t want to be stuck in the same place and not go anywhere as a result of fear
! Hope this helps? Let me know.
Hey Farnoosh,
Another comment: I think we disagree about “courage”–as I see it, fear definitely IS necessary for courage to exist, otherwise someone is just taking some kind of action. For example, someone who hates public speaking and has a panic attack just THINKING about getting up to speak truly demonstrates courage when she gets up to deliver her speech. Yet, the professional public speaker giving a speech he’s given a thousand times and could do in his sleep isn’t demonstrating courage. They are both demonstrating the same behavior–giving a speech–but both aren’t being courageous. Fear plus action are the necessary ingredients for courage. Anyway, that’s how I see it!
Hi Sean, hmmm. Ok that proves a very solid point indeed in your example. I guess what I am thinking is that to others who watch that professional public speaker, it seems that he is exemplifying courage by getting up there to speak so maybe it’s a matter of perceived courage. He may not be exercising it but he gives the world the impression. Sort of like heroism. Soldiers don’t do things to be heroic but what they do is most certainly and without a doubt a true show of heroism. You know? It is definitely fun to discuss these intangible and yet such wonderful topics further. Thanks for indulging me!
Hi Farnoosh,
I have been thinking about your piece on fear and I do make lists of my fears. I do converse with them too. When my chest is feeling tight and when I am afraid I ask myself what I am afraid of happening? Then i just listen and write. Thoughts and fears flow! What I used to do is write affirmations to counterbalance these fears. Isn’t that what traditional personal dvlmt says to do. I used to call them prayerformations (kind of a mix of praying and affirmations). I would repeat them in front of a mirror until I felt an energy shift. This worked for me, but I have moved beyond this approach and now I still make the list, but now I just sit and stay and feel the fear with all its intensity. I do nothing but feel the excruciating fear!……and then a shift happens. I don’t know what exactly happens but it shifts and I can move on. I have lived through the intensity of the experience and now I go on with my day. Thanks for this post and for everyone’s contribution. Bill
Hi dear Bill,
So nice to see you back again. You know, I heard about that technique once too. Letting the fear consume you with all its might and just letting whatever comes come and just let it flow through you. It seems to work for you because that “shift” happens. The only problem with this is to not let it consume you for long before the particular event at hand! I love *LOVE* the idea of prayerformations. Affirmations, of course, I am familiar with but a bit of spirituality into the mix can really soften the whole vibe and perhaps even quiet the fear. Thanks so much for all of this; you are helping me a great deal here as well as anyone else who reads this, Bill.
Glad to be part of the conversation.
I try to think of emotions as the advisors in your brain. (fear included) They serve a purpose to you because they can pick up on things your logic and reasoning cannot. However, your thoughts have the final say (sort of like the president) on how you will behave to the information you take in on a daily basis. All you to do is remind your emotions who’s boss!
Dear Vic, so nice to see you here. “Hang in there” > I like that!
Thanks so much for stopping by and for shining a brand new perspective on this topic. Of course as long as I am the boss in the end (as opposed to fear), I think I’d be happy!
I really like that analogy. “Advisors to your brain” – so it’s best to listen and take it all in before dismissing it all. Sounds fair. Everyone deserves a hearing, right?
Hi Faroosh,
I am well familiar with fear. It is something that affects each and everyone of us from time to time. The greater the emotional involvement and stakes, the greater our fear can be. All we can really do is to prepare as best as we can to deal with the source of our fear. I have always found that the more prepared I am, the less my fear is. After then preparation and planning is done, all that remains is the execution. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act in spite of our fear.
I personally enjoy playing online strategy games with my friend where we both line up our armies to fight it out. Thus far I have won 3-0, but he is getting better every day as he learns from me. So you can imagine how my fear of losing increases each time haha! Even so, I still go ahead with a rough plan in my mind and adapt as needed. My fear is there, but I keep it from taking centre stage and messing up my plans and stopping me from winning.
Thank you for sharing this lovely article!
Irving the Vizier
Hi dear Irving,
Lovely to see you here. It’s been a while and I have missed you! Or maybe it hasn’t been that long but I’ve still missed you. I remember reading about fear in several of your posts and writings, maybe not a topic centered around it but you have talked about it. Preparation is key to public speaking and the more we practice, the better our chances of overcoming the fear at the time of execution. Indeed! I can’t agree more with you. Well, Andy and I are actually talking about picking up a type of martial arts together. You play online strategy games but I have a feeling you are also familiar with martial arts where strategy is key to winning (or at least, to not losing). If you have any advice, I am all ears. Thank YOU for being here, my strong and savvy Vizier!!
Hi Farnoosh,
Choosing a martial art to learn is rather subjective. Although I don’t practice martial arts at the moment, I have always been impressed by the practicalities of brazilian jiu-jitsu where a smaller and weaker person can successfully defend against a bigger and stronger one using leverage and proper technique.
Hapkido has also been another martial art that looks interesting to me but it all depends on whether you prefer hard techniques that meet force with force like karate or kickboxing or soft techniques that turns the attacker’s force against them with minimal exertion.
I tend to fall somewhere in the middle as I do with all things in life. Once you are clear about your preferences, it should be easier to pick a martial art that appeals to you and stick with it. Reading up on its history and philosophy to see if it is in line with your own views is also important. Once you have narrowed down the choices, all that remains is to try it out to find the style that fits you like a glove. That is how I would approach this matter.
Irving, thank you so much – I had *not* thought about it in this way at all. I sent this over to Andy as homework and he is now scoping out the right martial arts for us to at least first try and then go from there as you mention to narrow down the right one for us. I wonder if my yoga training will come in handy or compliment the world of martial arts. I was sure you did some martial arts. Thank you SO MUCH for taking time to answer my question in such detail. You rock, my dear Vizier!! PS: Keep you posted on what we end up doing!
Farnoosh,
I’m dying to use the loo and I have to pop out to the shops!, but I didn’t want to do any of that without dropping a line to thank you for writing this up. Fear’s ruled my life, decisions and choices (or lack of them) for a looooooooong time and so I can really relate to your post.
But the thing is, Fear wouldn’t exist if I didn’t. I existed first. So in a way, it needs me in order to survive. Once it knows that I know this, then I can recreate the rules of the game, not it. (what a revelation. Only came to this realisation whilst dropping you a comment, so thank you for something else, lady!)
Take care. Bookmarking your blog for sure.
Well, I must say I have never stopped the call of Mother Nature on my writing.
Hmmm. Interesting. Actually, I think fear itself existed long before any of us but you felt it after you came to existence but I think we are getting too philosophical here. I am SO happy that this conversation with fear encouraged you to feel more positive and determined to face life without it and I am very happy that you took the time to tell me. Come back anytime!
{ 12 brilliant comments, Care to add another? }