“We can do anything but we can’t do everything.”
I used to believe I can do everything! By everything I mean my growing list of passions and aspirations from which responsibilities and commitments are naturally born. By doing I mean doing well, extremely well. It is either a job well done or a job not done at all, as far as I am concerned because my reputation is on the line. A few weeks ago, I realized I live in my own happy bubble of wonderland where my days are endless, my time immeasurable and my body an infinite source of energy. Then I woke up and I had to make a very tough decision.
Wisdom tells us doing fewer things but doing each remarkably well will fare better in the end for us but how do we get out of the commitments that are already made?
Recognizing the State of Over-commitment
A little over two years ago, I had a vision about an Advanced Toastmasters Club, an idea to create an environment which fosters the growth of advanced public speaking skills for its members, a supportive and professional group of people who love to speak, to grow and to help each other succeed. In less than one year, I had turned this idea into a beautiful reality with the support of fantastic people and a drive that would not let up. I served as President, Founder, Videographer and saw myself indispensable in the club business. Then I watched it stand on its own feet and grow even more under the leadership of others. No longer did I need to worry about the club surviving, only making sure that it would continue thriving while I continue to grow my own speaking skills.
Then the tough decision came. In the recent few months, I had taken on too many responsibilities, all too gladly, and I had been spread too thin. It did not matter that I had signed up for each responsibility willingly and enjoyed each immensely. It only mattered that in the end, I was certain my performance would be impacted and then so would my reputation and my work ethic.
There is an ideal capacity in which we can work extremely hard yet feel at peace without being on the verge of giving up and resenting our commitments. I had overflown my capacity and something had to go to make room for everything else to fit into reality again. My schedule simply could not make room for my beloved Toastmasters with my growing focus on the blog and blogging community, yoga, cycling, traveling and my new passion for teaching myself photography – oh and my full-time day job.
I had to break out of my commitments to the club.
Breaking A Commitment in 9 Professional Steps
Naturally, there are obligations which we must fulfill in life. Each of us has a bucket full of them! My goal here is to focus on personal or voluntary commitments we make to others.
Over-commitment can seem impressive but beware, it can also be detrimental. The tough calls come when we have to drop out of a commitment we made with our whole hearts and to people we deeply respect and care about. I would encourage you to make that tough call if you feel truly over-committed instead of continuing your tasks under a mask. If you choose to stay in the commitment because it takes too much guts to break it, remember the alternative: You will be stressed, overwhelmed, unhappy and unbalanced. Why feel obligated to everything that once was a passion and now is but a chore. Find balance instead in your commitments.
We should respect ourselves and others enough to convey our change of circumstance or our change of heart professionally and in a timely manner. Here are 9 actionable steps which have helped make tough decisions less difficult for me on those occasions when I have had to break out of a commitment:
1. Show your Sincerity and Empathy
Sincerity is subtle or hidden in some of us. Empathy is under-rated. It is imperative that you show visible signs of your sincerity and empathy when breaking a commitment – and mean it. Do this in your words, your voice, your eye contact, your communication, and in your interest in the continued welfare of the group or organization after your departure.
2. State your Decision as a Statement not a Question
While the decision is a tough one, you have already made it for your reasons. Do not ask permission to break the commitment and do not gauge the emotional state of the vested party. Make your announcement in private to the key contacts stating it as a decision which now needs to be addressed – not a discussion or a question.
3. Explain your Reasons to your Comfort Limit
Naturally, everyone wants to know why. Be open and honest about your reasons but know that we are entitled to a change of heart, a change of circumstance, and your personal decisions. There does not need to be an emergency in your life for it to be a valid reason. Your reasons, if you are true to yourself, are reason enough. Do not feel guilty or be ashamed of them but express your regret professionally and sincerely.
4. Decide your Agenda and Terms of Breaking Away
As you get ready to break the commitment, you must have a plan in mind – what will you be willing to do and for how long to make it a fair and professional transition. Make that agenda yourself but present it with willingness to accommodate small changes if need be. Find a balance of flexibility while being in charge of your own time and effort.
5. Offer to do Everything to Make the Transition Smooth
Within your terms of breaking away, do be sincere and kind in understanding what it takes to make it a smooth transition. Sometimes this means a particular series of tasks but not necessarily time-consuming or stressful. Ask and find out the special needs of the group and accommodate them as much as possible without compromising your own plan.
6. Express your Gratitude for the Opportunity Given to You
We learn from every opportunity, every responsibility and every interaction. Even if implied and even if you have done so, do it again. Thank everyone with whom you worked sincerely, show your gratitude for the trust and respect vested in you:
“I am very grateful for the opportunity to work with you. I have learned so much from everyone.”
“I feel indebted to the wonderful group of people I worked with and will miss the learning and the fun.”
“I cannot thank you enough for trusting my judgment and finding my work valuable.”
7. Articulate your Thoughts and Words Professionally
Words speak volumes and how we phrase our sentences matters. Your intentions are expressed in your words so take no chances. Here are some phrases that I have used and meant from the heart.
“I regret so much that I have to break out of this commitment earlier than expected.”
“I wish I could continue my role until the end of the year but I have had to prioritize other commitments in my life.”
“I am sorry that I have had to make a very difficult decision in breaking out of my commitment to you.”
“Unfortunately, I cannot continue to deliver for us to best of my ability due to some changes in my personal life.”
8. Keep the Relationships
Just because you are leaving a commitment does not mean that you should leave the people. I take pride in my social network of friends, peers, colleagues and coaches. The relationships are what should thrive long after responsibilities to a job are complete. You never know when you may cross paths again, when you may have a chance to reconnect and reach out to help someone – or when someone may be in a position to help you. So keep and guard the wonderful relationships you formed in the process. They are separate from the commitment.
9. Always Leave the Door Open
Circumstances may change and you may find yourself in a position to pick things back up again, especially if you feel about your commitment the way I do about Toastmasters. Acknowledge this in your conversations with the group and also to yourself. Always leave the door open and never burn a bridge. Life turns around in unexpected ways so never fully close a door.
Share your Tough Decisions and your Thoughts
Tough decisions come upon all of us. I never compromise professionalism and sincerity and so far, this has served me well in life. Perhaps you would like to add to the list above, argue with the list, teach me more on the topic, ask me to take the list down (just kidding!), or share any other related thoughts on making tough decisions when we feel over-committed in life! Thank you for sharing your insights on the blog!
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{ 34 brilliant comments, Care to add another? }
Simply one of the best advice on the topic of breaking commitments.
Thank you Abubakar. I hope it helps if you ever have to get out of a commitment!
First of all, congratulations to you for recognizing you had too many good things in your life and something had to be released to make room for great. It can be hard to even see that sometimes, let alone do anything about it! Your steps are perfect from where I’m standing. In the past year I’ve dropped out of a book club (which I started) and a writing group, and I’ve handled things similarly to what you outlined. People have been understanding, as most everyone’s life shifts and changes.
Jean, good call – even though I am sure it was something you wanted to continue doing since you established it yourself just like me. Thank you for the vote of confidence as none of this is ever easy, even if it seems that way to those from whom we are breaking away! Thanks for being my sounding board!
Hi Farnoosh, from what I can gather, you’ve provided an airtight set of recommendations for breaking a commitment, which speaks to how much you value your relationships. On the other hand, you’ve also indicated clearly the importance of maintaining your integrity. Not always an easy balance to strike when you’re growing into your best and most fulfilled self.
Christopher
Hi Christopher, welcome to Prolific Living! I value my relationships immensely but sadly, even when we follow these steps, sometimes people will still be disappointed and may choose to opt out of continuing a relationship with us – And yes, maintaining our integrity, no matter what people’s reactions may be, is a hard one. Thank you for excellent observations!!
Farnoosh, this is a phenomenal guide! I really love #2 – as you said it is a difficult decision to break a commitment and it’s hard on the people who will receive your decision and be affected by it – I’ve gone the ‘ask a question route’ too many times and it just makes it harder to leave – too often I ended up staying. By making an announcement, you free yourself.
Congratulations on making your decision. I tend to over commit to things because I want all of them, but like you said it can be detrimental. There really are only so many things that we can give our attention to and tough choices need to be made.
This is truly a phenomenal guide. It helps keep one grounded and allows for a proper ending or break.
Dear Aileen, I am so happy you enjoyed it – I know that most of us in the blogging community are used to over-committing too. I have learned #2 by messing it up big time “Do you mind if I quit?” – rather than “I’m afraid I am quitting. Let’s work up a great plan for transitioning out!” It’s not easy but it has to be done for us to do our best. Thank you so much for validating my thoughts here and I hope you stay balanced in everything too!
Hi Farnoosh
I really enjoyed this post. I would add one more to it and say – be aware that although you have been sincere, professional and honest the people who hear the message may still not take it well. Let it be enough for you that you are breaking a commitment with integrity – don’t look for or expect approval.
Dear Marion, I am so happy you enjoyed it – And I must tell you that you are absolutely right about that sad outcome. It has happened to me at times and it is hard to take. As you said, it is enough that we did due diligence and handled things professionally. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Great post Farnoosh. Especially liked that one should state one’s gratitude for the opportunity. What comes through the entire post, is that one leaves a commitment with grace, gratitude and an easy warm acceptance by everyone involved, like saying a fond adieu . Like a traveler leaving a certain resting place, to move on in his journey. Also, you really do juggle a lot. Am amazed and inspired by your energy.
Hi Uzma, thank you!! It’s hard to think of gratitude when we are leaving but makes such a difference to the feel and mood of the situation when you remind them of your gratitude. Fond adieu is a great phrase. And thank you for your kind thoughts – I do have a lot of energy: cycling, yoga, and eating really well help – and I am happy to spend that energy on writing for my readers!
Love this. It happens, we want to help out but then realise we’ve taken on to much. Great list here of how to break out from the commitment but leave on a good note. I had to do this this week. I said I’d read someone’s unpublished book and give feedback but I just couldn’t fit it in. If I do something I want to do it well so best to explain why you can’t and politely say no. He emailed me saying he quite understood so we left on a good note. If I’d just said nothing he may have pegged me as unreliable.
I have toastmasters on my to do list this year… it’s only August isn’t it? Definitely no time for committees though:)
Dear Annabel, so very nice to hear your experience here. Why on earth do we do this? There is I think just too much that draws our attention and our interest and we forget to stay realistic. I would always respond to people who ask me to do something, either in positive or negative depending on my time so yes, circling back with the person is most professional. And Toastmasters IS a blast, I just had to let something go! Plenty of time to the end of the year, oh yes! Especially with the early rising habits we cultivate, n’est-ce pas?
!
HI Sweet Farnoosh,
) by all to ever stop writing or blogging.
I’ve been there my friend. I’ve been spread so thin, I fell ill. Yup, this was just after my little one was born. I was up and running in 5 days, literally 5 days, from taking care of my little one(I dont like the idea of a stranger doing anything for me), to work, to home, to hubby(who was feeling neglected cause of the new baby), to social commitments. Ohh…so much more..and so little me. I fell ill, in bed for like a week. It took my hubby and mum to make me realise I was spreading myself too thin.
I applaud you for recognizing this yourself. I know if it wasn’t for that ill week, I wouldn’t have ever learned to relax..and now see me after almost 4 years, all relaxed, enjoying life, doing what I love, living how I love, being who I love, and all the while happy. Letting go is an acquired art my dear…and slowly you will start dropping things off your list, you just cant seem to keep up with.
Dare you drop blogging of that list! You are too loved(by me especially
Love you loads,
Z~
p.s. last week I officially got my own domain- positiveprovocations.com !
Dearest Zeenat, I shall never quit blogging if only for readers like you. Congratulations on getting your domain name, I know the excitement. And thank you for sharing a personal story – I think I have been that committed and crazy about doing too much myself. Illness is a big sign of slowing down and a brutal one too – I am happy to know you have recovered AND learned big lessons along the way, all of which you share with us on positive provocations. Thank you for all the encouragement. You made my day!
Hello Farnoosh
Excellent tips.
The only thing I could add, which is part of the transition phase, is to find another leader to pass the commitment to.
Peter, thank you for your comment and for the Retweet!
I think I briefly mentioned it but yes, finding someone to whom to pass the commitment and all the information and knowledge we have about the matter would be ideal. Thank you for your comment!
> There is an ideal capacity in which we can work extremely hard yet feel at peace without being on the verge of giving up and resenting our commitments.
That’s the gem right there.
I see too many people that add too much overhead to what they do, to the point that it turns into “all or nothing” instead of scaling back and doing great things where it counts, and doing “good enough” when it makes sense, and letting the rest go.
Focus is our friend for concentrating our power to make things happen and for sustainable results.
Hi J.D.,
Thank you!! A gem of information especially after we arrive to it from making mistakes! And yes, you are right – I have seen a few that just gave up on everything instead of smartly scaling back. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Farnoosh,
You bring such elegance and grace to this topic. I can’t imagine it being better said. I applaud your recognition of your overcommitment and your graceful exit.
Thank you Sandra, so much, and I really hope to learn from this and stop over-committing!
I think we over commit for many reasons, to feel important, to feel needed, to look important and to look needed and the big one for me sometimes is to ignore what’s going on in my own life. I agree with Sandra. This is a stellar post.
Now can you help me out with a post on how to exit a friendship with grace?
Hi Tess,
!’
Thank you so much for the validation on the post and I thought I was the only one who wanted to feel all those things
And yes, I am most happy to help you to exit a friendship with grace – I have more than enough experience with the ungraceful exits and have at least found a compelling and caring way to mark an end to friendships that do not serve me well.
Farnoosh: What great advice. Thanks for this. I know I have felt such a sense of guilt when I had to break a commitment, but the reality is just as you stated … you can only do so many things at the same time and maintain high quality. Nevertheless, the reality doesn’t make communicating that you are no longer going to be involved any easier, but this post definitely gives a great approach. It is so hard and I never want to let anyone down, and I appreciate these tips you shared and plan to put them to use.
Hi Sibyl, I think any one of us who has experienced some level of success – and among our blogging buddies, that is the least we can say – has over-committed!!! You are right, communicating the message is not easy. But whenever you think of that and want to avoid it, just think about the alternative – how you feel, how much of your own well-being you must give up to make it through all the commitments and then maybe it will seem more urgent, albeit not easier! All the best and glad this helped. Thanks for your thoughts!
Farnoosh,
This is very universal topic that all of us, but not many have talked about. I am glad you pointed out 9 ways to bow out of it gracefully. I have learned not to take on too much as I have in past, yet I feel so overworked and tired with my blogging, 2 kids, volunteer teaching and other helpful events that I cherish, I wish there was simply more time to do it all, but there is only 24 hours in a day.
I thought you might be refreshed from your recent break but seems like work has piled up for you while you were gone. I hope things go smoothly for us.
Hi Preeti,
I talked about it out of necessity – being so fresh in my mind and both in need of some validation as well as spreading my lessons, so happy you enjoyed it. Oh yes, you sound busy too – and of those precious 24 hours, how dreadful that we must sleep some of them, no? The break was well worth the while though, thank you for the welcome back and the comment!
Stopping a commitment is an act of love in my eyes and therefore an honorable one and you executed it honorably and with respect for yourself and others. That is wonderful to see. xox Wilma
Dear Wilma, a message from you is always delightful especially if it goes to recognize me in such dear light. Thank you so much!
I feel like I’m the only guy here, why is that?
Well Farnoosh, I must say this was so great. Out of the 9 steps I believe they are all so great, personally I like the last one (Leaving an open door) and #6 (Expressing gratitude) I feel blessed for my life so much today and I try thanking everyone that has helped me get to where I am. I think if you’re always in a state of thankfulness you’re always happy. I think that making tough decision is part of life and if we don’t know how to handle the these curves(decisions) on the road, we’ll run into a wall.
I’m really confident to say that these steps are very actionable and people should do them immediately. Thanks so so much.
You know, now that you say that, you are! That’s not the norm for my commenters so thanks for breaking the pattern
!
I am so happy to see you here as a first time commenter and also glad you enjoyed the post – Gratitude is really contagious too; it makes others feel great and in turn, I have experienced that it lessens the guilt of leaving. Thank you for your comment, Wilson!
Hi Farnoosh,
This is a good topic. You are a very giving soul so I think it natural that you would find yourself over committed. I know I can get caught up in the same… It all starts with the best intentions and wanting to contribute our own unique gifts.
Rob, thank you for saying that – I say plenty of “No”s to my husband but usually end up saying yes to others! I am finally learning
! It IS from the best intentions, thank you for sharing your thoughts which never fail to make me smile!
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