How to Deal with Personal Attacks
It’s funny how I still get a little upset and a wee bit defensive when I get blog comments like this last one on How to Stop Wasting Life in a Dead-end Job:
“Great advice! Now … try paying your rent with it! No one said life is easy. But you are not here to be “happy”! You are here to do your duty. Deal with it; and rest assured that others have had to endure a hell of a lot worse and have not complained. Now stop your nonsense and make your living!”
Ouch.
At first, I just wanted to delete it … but something uneasy crept inside … I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
And that’s when I remembered: this is the way I used to see the world too …
I know PRECISELY how he feels, because I was in even a worse place, nearly going out of my mind at my miserable horrible mind-numbing corporate job. Bitter and frustrated, I was torn between being “realistic” and “responsible” with my life and running away from it all to find something that made me come alive and to respond to the call of my heart.
So I chose to respond. I wish I could help him but when you are in that place, no one can help you until you are open to receiving it.
My friend Leslie Samuel just published a post on this very topic: How to deal with trolls and personal attacks online!
But he did pose some interesting assumptions that needed clarification. I told him that not only do I “pay the rent” and all my other bills and luxury travel with my passions that I even hired my husband out of his 6-figure safe job to come on board our thriving, fledgling business. Take that honey as proof that I’m not kidding around about making your dream pay your bills.
I walk my talk and live my words, thank you very much, and there is real dollars and profits behind my “nonsense” and oh by the way, we actually are here on this earth to be happy!
But you know what? I know how he feels, it’s a very ugly feeling. I was there and I could hardly stand myself, much less anyone else that had broken free of that hell.
When you are in a dark terrible place, it’s EASIER to blame the whole world and curse everyone who is doing what you can only dream of achieving.
It’s easier to think you are being the responsible serious adult here (no you are not!), and the rest of us are fools (we most certainly aren’t!) if we are looking for real happiness in this one and only life we have.
And listen, you can live to the end of your days in that dark unhappy place if you choose. I know many who are comfortably settled in it for all eternity.
Whether you say you can or you can’t, you are right.
Thank you: Henry Ford
But let’s say you are not as bitter as my above commenter, and yet you can’t fight the darkness that seems to overpower your days and wipe out any trace of hope, then what do you do?
The 3 Questions to Bring You Out of Your Darkness
You start with BELIEVING in yourself. You start with FAITH. You start with CONVICTION.
In what?
In yourself, honey!
Question 1: Do I believe in myself?
Stop looking for validation from your parents or your boss or your child even your best friend. Let everyone go for a moment and look deep in your own eyes in the mirror, and ask yourself, “Do I believe in myself?”
If you think this is silly, or some “new age nonsense”, I get it, I do. You are not ready enough. That’s OK. I found all this to be ludicrous until I was beyond desperate.
And you know what else, the truth kinda sucks …. that whole “setting you free” part comes only after a lot of pain facing the darn thing and denial is a real easy way to avoid the whole mess, why do you think so many love to take that well-worn path? Never mind that it leads to eventual misery, few want to think about the future, they are escaping the pain of facing their situation head on right now!!!!
Because the truth hurts like hell.
The truth of realizing that yes you could actually have whatever you want, if you believe in yourself, change your inner dialogue, and don’t take no for an answer, especially from those who have no credibility speaking on success.
The truth of realizing that nobody knows what’s best for you but you, and yet all these years you were looking for answers and validation in someone’s reaction.
The truth of lost time that you can’t have back and the necessary hustle that you need to get behind to change gears and move in the right direction.
Oh yeah, that’s no pleasant ride …. but you have to go through the tunnel to see the light of day. There is no other way past this giant mountain of denial and misery.
So go back to that mirror when you want to start believing in yourself, and ask again, “Do I believe in myself?” and hear yourself answer a resounding YES with absolute conviction.
Question 2: What do I want?
Great. Now ask yourself, “What do I want?” and really think hard about what it is that you seek. What is it that is empty in your life? What is it that is missing in your work? What is it that is hurting in your relationships? What is it that you wish for when you lie in bed at night? What is it that you escape from?
Watch yourself if you don’t know the answer. Watch from a distance and you will see the answer.
Question 3: What or who is stopping me from getting there?
And when you know the answer, ask one last question, “What or who is stopping me from getting there?”, and don’t stop asking this one until the answer is Nothing and Nobody!
It’s all up to you. Your beliefs create your thoughts. Your thoughts lead to your actions, which become your choices which then lead the way to your future. And this future can be everything you dream.
Life is not a game of dice. You have a major role in your life. You choose your darkness and your light. If you choose the former, that’s your choice, but you put yourself there. And if you choose light, then you know what I mean. Don’t opt out of this beautiful, fantastic, incredible life and sit by the side-lines.
Rise up to the challenge, create your future and settle for no darkness because light is seeking you.
Grab my 21-Step Confidence Building Series program completely FREE and start believing in yourself:
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{ 20 brilliant comments, Care to add another? }
Great post! First thing that came to mind was the second Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz ” Don’t take anything personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
but……..although that person was rude i can imagine many people could relate to his frustration. A lot of people don’t make it, a lot of people die with their dreams. That is the bitter truth; 80% of the world population is living in poverty and half living off less than $2.50 a day (www.statisticbrain.com/world-poverty-statistics).
Your posts are very inspiring and insightful. They give people HOPE many are going to read them and be inspired but most aren’t going to change. (sucks especially because we are excited and want to help as many people as we can). People are at different stages of development, different levels of understanding and your seeds of knowledge sometimes fall on concrete, some fall among weeds, and some fall on fertile ground. but If One person changes their lives and lives their dream, that affects all the people around that one person that changed.
It is harder to be better, to evolve, if life is easy! Our challenges are different(some harder than others) but they are to collectively make us better beings! I enjoy your posts I think they are Grrrrrreeeeeaaatttt!!! sort of like taking a vitamin.
Excellent points here, Arinze. So very well-thought-out, especially if one person alone changes their mind, you are right. Love the perspective!!!
Arinze, thank you for such great insights here, I am grateful for commenters and readers like you who make me think – and I need the challenge, the push, the diversity I thank you for it.
I absolutely love what Don Ruiz has said, and will make it a personal endeavor to live by that…. just love your insights. Thank you and do come back anytime.
I like what Arinze added as well as the overall message of your blog, Farnoosh, and of course, as she says you have to understand that it is just not easy for others to really relate to this world, just as you yourself would not have when you were in your old corporate job….
!
I love the 3 questions – especially asking them right in front of the mirror! My exercise for this week, thanks
Thanks Melly! She added some great insights here, and I want to be the first to know if those questions work well for you!
Hi Farnoosh:
Nice post. I like that you didn’t delete the comment despite how it made you feel. I will say this…there are a lot of websites out there that seem to make “a life of your dreams” seem utterly easy. It is frustrating to read sometimes because I know some entrepreneurs really struggling to pay the bills.
I recently read the book “So Good They Can’t Ignore You” by Cal Newport. He singles out Pam Slim from Escape From Cubicle Nation (and other bloggers) who state that if you follow your passion you will be successful in your career. Now I was offended by him singling out Pam…I’ve read her book and attended her seminar when it came out. I like what Pam Slim stands for.
Yet, I can understand what he’s saying. I’m not saying I totally agree with him…but I understand where he’s coming from. He makes some good points throughout the book. I say it is worth a read…it is a book that made me a bit angry, but yet I understood him and he makes some good points too. I haven’t read a book that stirred up that combination of emotions in me for a long time.
I don’t know what the answer is…but I know that it does start in believing in ourselves…no matter how our life, our career unfolds.
Tim, how very nice to see you here … thanks SO MUCH for adding to this conversation. So you know what? I heard Cal speak at WDS and frankly, his message did NOT resonate with me at all.
I am sure he has a great point …. he just didn’t speak to me… the whole “don’t pursue your passion” thing – I did that for all my life and well, it sucked so now I’m ALL about passion but I turn it into business ideas and profit of course and skills can come from passions – why do they have to be mutually exclusive?
I love Pam Slim. Was he saying that Pam’s message was misguided?
Funny you should mention this book – someone who took my Smart Exit Blueprint class mentioned it too …. it’s just too much like the bloody path that got me to the misery I was in in the first place so I’m not about to follow it but hey, it sure makes for a good living (following skill not passion) … just not for me.
If I can help you with finding your answer, Tim, let me know. Whatever you do, do NOT ignore the heart!
Farnoosh,
What a blessing that this person has found your blog and that very article. He obviously needs that message and the universe has pointed him to exactly where he needs to be. We can all pray that he returns and learns to live his life instead of trudging through it like a duty he intensely dislikes.
Thank you so much for being here for us and for other seekers like him.
God bless,
Richard Burns
Hi Richard, that’s a great way to see it … thank you for the very kind words. And for taking the time to share them.
To keep on doing whatever you are now doing to pay your bills, with the cost of turning your inner world into numbness … or to start a new career, which excites and challenges you but at the risk of not being able to pay your bills.
I am one of the persons who face this dilemma now. When i asked for advice from a friend, she wrote to me an email very much similar to the comment that you Farnoosh got. I was depressed one day, but after that I started thinking that we all see life through different lenses based on different experiences.
It is a reality that we have the responsibility of bringing money home so that our children have food on the table and cloths to wear. At the same time, we also have the responsibility to provide the most harmonic emotional life that we can provide for our children.
So, we have these two main variables to gamble with: financial stability and emotional richness. It is up to each one of us to decide how much of these two variable can offer to our families.
I still haven’t decided what to do, each day, i am more inclined to go to my boss with the resignation. He is a wonderful person and a wonderful boss who may be surprised by my decision. But, I can do this because I have found the right moment and support from my husband.
I guess I am in a privileged position compared to other people, one of them being the person who wrote the angry comment to you Farnoosh. Sometimes, some of us do not afford to follow their dreams. They just have to put up with the harsh reality and be grateful they have a job.
I am happy there are people like you who inspire others and if the others can’t take the leap into the unknown of their dream career, they can at least daydream about it.
Dear Oana, thank you so much for sharing your story!! I was right there where you are – torn between the two but here’s the real deal: We don’t have to CHOOSE. We can have BOTH! It’s just that the transition is very hard to do. I didn’t ever think I could make money doing what I love – so it had to be one or the other but that’s NOT true. In fact, I will be making more money creating wealth on my own terms but it takes time to do that.
I would never suggest being irresponsible with earning a living at the expense of following a dream. Never ever! I just believe with all my heart that it is possible and very do-able to do what you love, and everyone (including my angry commenter) is capable of it if they only understand their own true potential. It’s not like we are held in a prison camp with our hands tied behind our backs. Now THAT is a bad situation but we have free will, we have our mind to think and create ideas, we are a living breathing thinking machine, we have so many opportunities but we become numb to it because we get conditioned to live in a certain way.
You can absolutely and positively do what you love and having a great boss is the last reason on earth to stay in a job you hate. I had a boss from heaven, let me tell you, and so did my husband. We left them both because we can be friends with the bosses and still do our life’s work by not working at that job.
But listen, I am passionate and extreme on this topic. I don’t mince words and I have a strong opinion about the power of our mind and what we can do. I hope you take it in the spirit that it is meant which is with love and compassion. May you realize every dream in that heart of yours, Oana!
I like you comment Arinze!
Done with such compassion – well done… Sadly that person is in pain and feeling lost and lashing out because they don’t know the way out and truly has been told all of their life that is about suffering and perhaps they will be rewarded at a latter date. There is such a difference between responsible and loving and duty and suffering. I am left wondering where is the duty that person has to their own well being, health and happiness? If they truly told anyone who deeply loves them the suffering in their heart for the way their life presently is, I know that what they would get back make yourself happy but that is all that truly matters in the end, because if your not happy – you become a crap parent, a crap partner and a crap son or daughter or friend – you have nothing to give or share to anyone…
Jo, no kidding!!! Thank you for spelling it out but that’s not how most people see the world and certainly not the norm. It doesn’t help that nobody is talking or questioning this stuff and just accepting the status-quo … It is definitely a new fresh and brilliant way of embracing life and I’m so glad I discovered it and it seems you have too.
I stumbled upon your 100 positive affirmations in a time of anxiety (in a wasting my life at a cube moment). That was a month ago, and just today I’ve started delving into your other posts. I’m still at the cube, but I am grateful that I’m young enough to understand that the corporate world is not what I meant to do.
Thus far, your insight, and writing, has been extremely valuable. Personally, I really enjoy how the bases of your articles are not steeped in “make money, bc that will solve your problems” or ” feel sad? feel better!”. -___-
Your words are both encouraging and relatable. It’s possible, because it is! Your material has deff been added to the “support pack” as a make my plan for world domination -through happiness, confidence, and personal freedom of course >:D
AdM (real name or nickname?
), thank you SO MUCH for telling me this – I am so very glad this is bringing you hope because I remember my miserable cubicle days and I kept on staying there…. you have so many options and it’s not about making money – hey you are doing that, how’s that working out? – I think it’s about creating wealth and an asset and something meaningful (did not find that in any cubicle) …. so I am very happy you are getting encouragement. Be sure to sign up for the newsletter as I send out even more goodies and nudge you to take the right step in your career!
Excellent post and response to his negative comment. While I understand where this person is coming from, I really enjoy your positive perspective. I also liked Oana’s comment which really resonated to me. Sometimes it is all about seeing the positive in what you have and working with that until you figure out what you really want to do. This is where I am right now. Keep up the good work, Farnoosh!
Thanks CBert. I do know where he is coming from too, I was RIGHT there with him long time ago and it’s an awful place to get stuck. So glad to hear that you see the power of the positive too. And I wish you all the very very VERY best in what you are doing and in all your efforts…. big huge cheer for you and keep up those spirits!
Hi Farnoosh! This is heart-wrenching a topic I just don’t know whether to like it or hate it!
I’ve been reading the ‘love your passion’ thing around the blog circuit and sometimes it’s eye-opening and sometimes I find myself saying- do I really hate my job? I’ve gone asking myself this question in recent weeks, while busy working on my passion while doing my day job. I like what I’m currently doing where my creativity comes out in some way. However, what has recently drawn me to be interested in a passion-based business is because of my frustration with the corporate set-up- having to prove yourself as an extroverted, brilliant and strong person. Not that I do not have ambition but I have seen what works for me and what does not. Why do I have to conform to having to climb the corporate ladder and what?
I must say that what drives me to aspire for passion-based job is my desire for more freedom of time, autonomy at work, thrive on my introvert persona and financial independence.
Hi Rob, sorry for late reply – I was in Africa without internet!
As for your job and the corporate world, as long as you are in that environment, you have to play by their rules. What they want at the top of the food chain is not a shy person who won’t be ruthless to close deals and make cut-throat decisions. It’s just a business mindset that is for profit and I can respect that, but on top of that, there’s all the political BS. So if you are not in the inner circle AND you are shy, it’s very hard to move up. But not impossible. Watch out for my next book” Crack the code to get promoted in corporate america” to come out very soon. And don’t change who you are. Wish you the best, Rob and thanks for your comment!