Is Guilt The Price of Living Well?
Guilt. It is the ultimate assault weapon in relationships around the world especially when it comes to parenting and marriage and particularly in the eastern cultures from Japan to Iran and many others in between.
It is the destructive verbal and emotional tool that kills the spirit of the person who has had the ‘audacity’ to have a good time or do well in life but hasn’t brought absolutely everyone else to the party.
Has someone you know or care about made you feel guilty about something good that happened to you?
Guilty for success. Guilty for advancing in your life. Guilty for living well.
Why do we have to carry this horrible feeling alongside our success and constantly apologize for it?
I want to bury this guilt. I want to make our hearts immune to this guilt. I want to eradicate its use by parents and spouses and children and friends once and for all.
Are you with me on this? Because if you don’t kick the guilt, it will drag you and bury you in itself!
What Kind of Guilt Are We Talking About?
A point of clarity: This is not the type of guilt that say Lance Armstrong, my previous hero, the current king of all scum backs in the world, should feel for lying, cheating, and blatantly denying it all for years. No, those actions do call for guilt, those horribly wrong, unethical, illegal, and disgusting actions, and ironically, he who should feel so much guilt feels none. Hence the title the king of all scum backs.
I mean the guilt that your mother makes you feel for not calling her every other day. Or the guilt that a spouse makes you feel for having a good time on a business trip he could not come along on. Or the guilt your friends make you feel for not being able to buy the same shoes or bags or house as you.
Or the guilt you put on someone else for their success and their good fortune. (Don’t!)
Or the guilt that you impose on yourself every time you do something good for yourself.
It’s so subtle you may not even realize it’s guilt you are feeling. Here, let’s do an example:
Say you have gone to Paris and London on a paid business trip, then tagged your spouse along for a post mini vacation. Got it? Paris and London. The two of you. Two very expensive European cities with the love of your life on company dime. And you have a fantastic time.
You come back to the office on Monday and your co-workers can’t stop using the words “Lucky you!” or variations with “effect” that we will leave to the imagination. Instead, they could say something like “Well-deserved trip for you guys!”, “What was your most favorite part?”, “Do you recommend we make the same trip around this time of year?”, or whatever other question that shows they are genuinely happy for you. If indeed they are.
Guilt. For you getting what they didn’t. Even if that’s not really what they want, that’s irrelevant. You had a good time. They were at the office. Guilt for you. It’s how it works!
Nobody Has the Right to Make You Feel Bad About Living a Good Life
Starting today, that’s the type of guilt you should not tolerate anymore.
Because we all have choices in this life. They chose to stay. You chose to travel or get assigned for the occasion or be the more qualified candidate that got the job, whatever it may be.
And even if you got lucky to get picked, so what? This is not a zero-sum game and they don’t “lose” because you “won”. There is no reason whatsoever for you to feel bad for going on this trip.
Or living a great, fantastic, phenomenal life on your terms!
Some of us choose to take chances all the time and some choose to live without taking a single one. Some of us press on while others quit. Some of us want what we want as badly as we need air while others just think they want what they say they want or else why no sense of urgency?
We get what we go after in life.
I cannot count the number of times people have said to me, “You can do all this travel because you don’t have kids!” It is such a preposterous comment and so inaccurate on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin to respond. (1) I know singles who stay home all their life! (2) I know families with 5 kids who travel all the time. (3) I chose not to have children not that it has anything to do with my travel plans. And on and on.
Unfortunately, the best answer I’ve come with after years of trying to articulate on the subject in depth is a flat under the breath: “Whatever!”
Dealing with Guilt from Loved Ones
You cannot and will not change the way people think of you and see you – if you do, please call me and tell me how you did it! But you need to harness the guilt and eradicate it fast. Keep your spirits high and feel absolutely wonderful about the fact that you are living well and on your terms. Got it?
Of course some of it is hard to brush off … like the one that comes from the people that are closest to you. What do you do when your best friend or your Mom isn’t thrilled about the way you are living your life even though you are happier and more fulfilled than ever before?
What do you say? How do you respond?
You can try to explain. You can try to say that they can choose to do the same thing with their life, because they have a choice.
Or you can wallow in guilt and shame and apologize for living such a good life that you have worked so hard for.
Yeah, I’ve done that. A lot. It kinda sucks so I stopped doing it.
I hope you do too.
But why do others make us feel guilty?
Maybe they don’t believe they have a choice. They believe they are victim of circumstance of their life. Because if they did, it would mean they can enjoy the same good things in their life and that they have wasted time living it according to someone else’s agenda and beliefs.
And that’s painful so they do what humans do best: Denial. The opposite of honesty.
And then they can easily attribute your good fortune to “luck” and well, the least they can do to even things out is to make you feel a wee bit guilty about it.
Anyway, that’s my theory. If you have a better one, I am dying to hear it so please feel free to share it in the comments.
On Eradicating Guilt and Choosing Well
But back to you and guilt, darling! Stop Feeling Guilty for living well. Stop feeling guilty for having a better life than your parents and for being ahead of your friends or peers or colleauges in any area of life.
And choose to hang out with people who passionately care about you. They are out there and in abundance. The friends who are genuinely happy for your success. The partners who adore you even if you have all the fun. The parents who are truly proud of your success. The bosses and peers who are glad you got promoted and the business partners who are happy you made those big sales.
Maybe together, we can remove this nasty horrible feeling that is used so often against us and instead, replace it by showing others in our lives how they can have the same thing or better things if they so choose.
What do you think? Has anyone ever made you feel guilty about living well, having much and doing lots?
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{ 20 brilliant comments, Care to add another? }
I think that envy and jealousy, combined with a common view that successful people take advantage of less fortunate people leads to judgement which translates into a feeling of guilt for living well. As long as you are mindful of how you treat others and are ethical then enjoy your life of prosperity. Add value to the world and enjoy the world that you have helped to shape.
Dan @ ZenPresence
Hello Dan, I love that you added those additional points: “mindful of how you treat others and are ethical” – it was implied in my post but it’s good to bring it out…. thanks so much for shedding your insights here…
Great article!! .. and, a topic that has probably never even occurred to the general masses who may fall into this category of “judgement of others”, whether it be towards other peoples success stories, acquisition of wealth, fulfilling relationships – or, towards other people’s impoverishment, negativity, abusive relationships, violent behavior, and the like. So, perhaps it’s not a matter of people judging you on only the abundance you may have brought into your life, but that the ” judgement” in itself seems to go hand in hand with a deeper hidden guilt of the observer/judger, more so than the one being “held” in criticism for how they live. Usually, it’s fear that is the driving force behind any outward criticism, and can manifest as a multitude of reasons for criticism or “perceived observations” by an individual. So, how does one get past all this? Perhaps forgiveness extended to all of us, whether we are the one’s who criticize, or those who find ourselves receiving criticism. Let’s all give ourselves a break and “live and let live”!! Food for fodder folks? Thanks Farnoosh for these insightful blogs, helping us all live better lives!!
Thank you dear Sharon. It’s a tricky one but I’ve lived with it for so long that I decided I can’t be the only one tolerating this in silence. Glad to have some company!
I do love the forgiveness idea, I really do BUT does it mean we still keep those negative people in our lives? Because then, their detriment to our own life and future will continue and it will not behoove us all that much. You know? I don’t want to hold resentment or anger so much as just to be free of the negativity and forgiving it is the best way to put it behind me ….
Thank you so much for making me think and for adding such deep insights to a tricky topic, Sharon. Come back anytime and let’s chat more.
Yes, I totally agree with you! Acknowledging that one needs to move on from negative people is the first step! That’s a biggie. And once you begin that process, you begin to feel “lighter” and can allow yourself to receive and enjoy what “is wanted” (a little Law of Attraction in action here, LOL).
Thanks again!
Thanks for the validation there, Sharon! I am TOTALLY with you, hon!
Farnoosh,
I agree with you. Wholeheartedly!. I do have one thing that bothers me about my friends. When I lost weight. I mean 130 lbs of it. I also cut all the junk out !. I said “If it isn’t helping me get to where I need to be, I don’t need it” period. Since October 2008′ I have been eating healthy no cake, cookies, chips, etc. Only if f it’s healthy. My friends have always loved to tell me I am “denying” myself. From what ?!
Here Colleen, have a chocolate covered strawberry, have cake, have a cupcake. When I say no, it’s like they are dissapointed. I don’t feel guily in the least! But I THINK they WANT me too? What do you think.? Here is where I miss my Mom.
But you know what ? I think they are jealous that I can do that. I just don’t care about it anymore and I’m tired of that.
Whew! thanks! lol You are right why should anyone feel guilt for things that should hold no guilt.
Great post! I am so glad I came here today !
Wow, that was a big load off your shoulder, darling, wasn’t it? I *know* what you mean. When my husband was on his weight loss and I mean a BIG weight loss (he lost about 100 lbs so he can sympathize with you), my mom and his mom wouldn’t shut up about “eat this”, “oh poor Andy!”, “oh come on it’s a special occasion, stuff yourself!” I was FURIOUS that they did not respect or encourage him. Argh! I totally get it. And yes, there is something admirable and yet frustrating about those who have the determination to give up temporary pleasures of life for the longer term rewards and I am very proud of Andy and even more proud of you for not giving in but the best part is that you finally realize that – you are not guilty about it and you said ENOUGH already! Let me be if you can’t be happy for me. And then hopefully find others who can encourage you and tell you, GO COLLEEN, bravo for taking care of your body! I am SO glad we talked too. Come back anytime!
Hi Farnoosh.
That fake response from people is hilarious. “Lucky you” or whatever variation is meant to take away from your good feeling. These fake put-downs are all over the place. Fake compliments also occur, but that is a different category.
You’re right that people rarely say “well-deserved [thing]” or some variation of that. Noone wants you to feel like your good time was earned, because that reminds them that they didn’t earn similar.
I see fake all over the place. I don’t know how other people keep a straight face when it shows up, but I sure don’t.
Also, I can’t be angry at the person saying such things, because it comes from a position of weakness, and there is no point in being angry at someone in a position of weakness.
Thanks for writing.
True that, no point being angry and also no point in correcting it because that effort is usually wasted too. I think the best we can do is to recognize that it does come from a place of weakness and to consciously ignore it and stay away from people who think in this manner.
Great to see you here, Armen. Hope your 2013 is off to a fab start!
Hey Farnoosh,
Powerful post – loved it. The guilt placed on can feel so much like a prison as people dump their own feelings of inadequacy and expectations( often from family and close loved ones) to make them happy instead of getting what they want, receiving and enjoying life. The great sadness that often other peoples guilt taps into our own hidden shame ( a feeling that is truly wrapped up with self worth) instead of being connected to actions and behaviour as guilt is supposed to be about it instead becomes a feeling of I’m not good enough to have – which is of course what those ‘guilt throwing’ people are really feeling often – Shame. I think it is about being aware of yourself, knowing your own true worth and yes choose people who love you and are pleased for you if you can but also being self loving that what other people think and say doesn’t matter – hey you lucky me – I say THANKS I KNOW, I deserve it …;)
I LOVE THAT, “Thanks, I know, I deserve it!”
)!! Yes, you are so right Jo and what is it about our families being so obsessed with this guilt-throwing business? Argh! I grew up with it and I have put a stop to it even in my closest family …. It reached its limit and I did not even realize the impact it was having on me all these years UNTIL I stopped it! The analysis and breakdown of what the feeling of guilt does to us – you really did a great job describing that, thanks Jo for sharing your lovely insights!
Hi Farnoosh
This is a message that has gone straight to my core! I have had people who have made me feel guilty for stepping up and excelling. And I’m sad to say that I’ve done the same thing too. Reading this has made me realise how subtle our comments can be, and yet how powerful they are for making me and others feel bad.
I made a decision at Christmas that I was going to intentionally seek out happy, motivated people to spend time with and I was going to spend less time with people who dragged me down (even if it meant stepping back from some friendships).
I think you’ve identified something here that is also really important to my friendships – who is going to be happy for me when I excel, and who is going to make me feel guilty (and vice versa!)
From now on, I’m going to pay attention to my own comments and pick a positive response instead. And for anyone who puts a guilt trip on me – just shrug and not take on the guilt feelings.
Thanks!
Hi Megan,
I was just nodding as I read your comment. Sometimes we don’t see the very obvious until we read someone’s story, and we have to come to a point of readiness to take action. I think you are ready! In fact, you are a little over-due methinks…. Don’t be too harsh on yourself though, it’s a long process and a hard habit to change but awareness first and change slowly next! You are MOST welcome, and keep me posted, Megan! Thank you for stopping by
I love following this blog/topic and reading how others are coming to realize that it’s OK to be: Prosperous, Happy, At peace with their choices, Abundant, or whatever else brings them joy in this lifetime. I loved what Megan said in her comment: to “INTENTIONALLY SEAK OUT happy and motivated people …”. The operative word here being “intention”. It’s so powerful when one makes a decision with unwavering INTENT, because it shifts you from being a perceived “victim of circumstance” to one of deliberate choice, based on what you KNOW is right for you. Love this stuff! Thanks to Farnoosh for bringing this topic to the table! Feels great to get these thoughts “on paper”, and it’s so much fun to share them!!
Sharon, so glad to hear it …. I took an entire class on intention, can you believe it? It’s beyond powerful – you are RIGHT! I am so happy you found this useful, Sharon, and I know you won’t let anyone who crosses your path make you feel guilty and bad about living your life to the fullest,! Thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts, made my day!
I can so identify with all this – I have a relative who constantly moans that it is not good to have a good time while other members of the family have any issues,whatever they may be…..as if that helps anyone. So she will do without holidays etc, because she feels guilty,which in turn makes the others feel guilt because they are the cause of her guilt………..there’s only so much of your life you can put on hold for the sake of not offending people…
Audrey, I totally hear you…. and I was going to ask, only ONE such relative, darling?
I couldn’t count all of my Persian ones that use guilt as a really easy way to make life miserable for others…. so glad you related to this post. Thanks and come back again!
I have another relative who is totally non-confrontationalist….so it is ok for someone to do something that angers or injures me, but I must not make life unpleasant for them by exercising my right to reply. I think guilt comes into this as when I do retaliate, this relative makes me out to be the bad guy who “has upset someone” – like it’s ok for me to be upset, but not them?? I don’t see myself as overly aggressive, just normal!
I don’t know about your culture, Audrey but in mind, another thing that bothers me to pieces is the hypocrisy, the blatant two-side viewpoints that work in the favor of our relatives when to their advantage and opposite when not. So stick to your guns, ignore this relative, and show them that you are at complete peace with who you are and how you behave. Living well is the best revenge, darling. Use it.